The Essential Cubicle Survival Kit

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Cubicle life can be rough. Brutally rough. If you don’t have the proper tools for survival, you might not make it to the end of the day. You might not even make it to lunch. So for your own safety and wellbeing, here’s a cubicle survival kit to help you through the hardships.

Headphones

Hopefully your company allows this small pleasure. Headphones are not only helpful in drowning out your 73-year-old cubicle neighbor talking about his latest colonoscopy to someone you don’t think is a licensed doctor, but they’re also a great source of entertainment for those many hours you sit there in boredom. You can just sit there staring at an old report and tune into ESPN Radio (can’t believe the Trent Richardson robbery), or have a few laughs listening to your favorite comedian’s Pandora station. But it’s important to spring for a pair you can leave at the office. As many of you may have experienced, the day you leave your headphones at your apartment is the longest day of the year.

Phone Charger

This is a pretty big one. If your company is as strict as mine, your IT department is a bunch of website blockers, and you’ll have to use your phone for Pandora and YouTube. Having a spare phone charger in the office keeps your Disney Pandora jamming all day with no fear of losing battery. Heck, if you’re the multi-tasking type you can get some serious Candy Crush in while listening to tunes. What a life! Well, until you run out of lives, then it’s back to staring at that old report.

Box Of Pens

Thanks Captain Obvious. Didn’t they teach you to always have a pen in kindergarten? Well apparently not because I’m in my second year of postgrad. and on Tuesday I used a Crayon during a staff meeting because I ran out of pens. And it’s not even like this is a hard thing to stock up on. Just raid your company’s supply room. But you better stock up quick because those things go fast.

PRO TIP: Put a blue ink cartridge in a red pen. No one steals red pens. Like, ever.

Snacks

Have you ever had the pleasure of working through lunch? Have you ever been totally unprepared to work through lunch? Have you ever consumed a half a Gatorade and some Tic Tacs for a meal? If so, you’re in luck because there’s a simple solution to be unprepared: stock up on some snacks. Preferably ones that don’t expire quickly. Everyone still remembers when Pete left a banana in his desk drawer for three months. People don’t forget, Pete. Just remember to ration.

Plastic Silverware

Remember the night you cooked that Bertoli amazing chicken parmesan for dinner and you had just enough leftover to bring in for lunch? All was well in the world for once, right? Wrong. You got all the way to the break room with that cocky “yeah I’m an adult, bitches” look on your face, only to realize you forgot to pack a fork. Then you proceeded to eat the entire thing with your hands like a Neanderthal. Well, there’s an easy fix. Next time you’re at Chipotle, which will probably be within the next 48 hours, clean them out of forks. You can never have too many at your desk. If you’re feeling guilty about it just think about that time you ate like a misfit 6-year-old who needed a bib.

A Mirror

So there you are, listening to ’90s rap Pandora on your fully charged phone trying to find a spot for that three of diamonds, and then out of nowhere your boss decides to check-in on you. Busted. Your trigger fingers were too slow with the Alt + Tab combo. He asks what you’re working on, but this situation is too sticky to lie your way out of. All of this can be avoided with a well-positioned mirror that allows you to check for intruders with nothing but a quick glance.

A well-equipped cubicle has saved jobs and lives. Make sure yours is stocked up with these essentials and you might just make it to 5:00pm.

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Andy Bernard