Today, as I was sitting on the edge of my bed, mindlessly browsing Twitter in an attempt to wake myself up enough to get up and face the arctic tundra that is Chicago, a hashtag caught my eye. Apparently, #WhiteLiesOnMyResume is trending, and I realized that I’m not alone in filling my resume with bullshit.
People lie about their skills:
I can type 90 words per minute with 100% acurscy. #WhiteLiesOnMyResume
— Hanna Shuey (@HannaShuey) December 16, 2016
People lie about their experience:
I have 19 years of experience.
(I'm 19 years old and experience life daily)#WhiteLiesOnMyResume
— AfroGum (@AfroGumOfficiaI) December 16, 2016
And most of all, people lie about their personality:
#WhiteLiesOnMyResume When I said I'm a team player, I meant that I like to tell everyone what to do. I'm always the captain.
— Regina Spacola (@gigirules7) December 16, 2016
Since reading everyone else’s filthy white lies, I have decided I’m going to come clean as well. Here are the parts of my resume that may not be 100% accurate. I hope no recruiters ever read this.
1. I am a highly focused and diligent individual.
It took me three minutes to type that sentence because I got distracted by a Snapchat notification and had to look up how to spell “diligent.”
2. I am always timely and a hard worker.
I will usually arrive between 5-10 minutes late, and work my ass off for the first four hours, after which I will coast until 5 p.m. I don’t even know why I have to lie about this because there’s not a single person on earth who works hard at their job every hour of every day.
3. I am fluent in Italian.
I took high school Italian for three years and never got a grade higher than a C. During the ages of 13-16, I could probably stumble through passable Italian, but ten years later, the only phrases I still remember are “Your eyes are very beautiful,” and “Where is your hotel room?” So basically, I know everything I need to know. However, Google translate is rock solid nowadays, so I can probably fake this skill unless I have to converse with an Italian in person.
4. I was the Director of Brand Management for my fraternity.
I occasionally promoted one of our philanthropy or community service events in between tweeting wildly inappropriate things on my chapter’s account. I also fine-tuned my chapter’s Instagram aesthetic (Hefe filter or GTFO), and sent out a bunch of “alumni newsletters” that were thinly veiled requests for money. My chapter was only suspended once during my tenure, and it was not as a direct result of my actions, so I think I crushed this job.
5. I currently work in sales at a fairly large entertainment company.
I sell alcohol to people trying to black out and forget about their workweek. Watching these drunk people try and hit on everything that moves, get down and dirty on the dance floor, and eat shit walking down the stairs is entertaining, and my company is, in fact, a company. My claim is technically true, but in a much more real sense, completely false.
6. I have 5+ years experience in my field.
I don’t have 5+ years experience in anything. I’ve had over 20 jobs in less than 10 years of working. I haven’t committed to a single hobby for more than six months and my longest relationship was between one and three years, depending on which one of us you ask. I am, however, still wearing the same moccasins that my parents got me for Christmas 2005, so I guess that shows a commitment of some kind.
7. I graduated from _________ University in 2013.
I mean, I’m pretty sure this is true, but I’ve never actually confirmed it. There was a slight snafu with some of my credits (due to my advisor not knowing basic addition) that I’m 99% sure was resolved prior to me walking at graduation. The fact that I have never been mailed my diploma is disconcerting, but I choose to believe it simply went to the wrong address, and not that I am one credit shy of being a college grad. I will never look into this issue because I’m not going back to school, and I’d like to take the “blissfully ignorant” approach to this matter. Also, no one is going to look at my 2.6 GPA from a state school and feel the need to do some digging to make sure I’m not lying.
8. I am proficient in Microsoft Excel.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I fucking hate Excel and it hates me back. A drunken monkey could put together a spreadsheet better than I can. You won’t realize this until three weeks after you’ve hired me, and by then it’ll be too late.
*To all recruiters: Everything in this column is completely false. My resume is 100% factual; please don’t look too hard at it. Also hire me. Please hire me.* .
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