The Drunk Girl’s Guide to Getting Ready

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There is some idiotic phenomenon perpetuated by magazines that women should wear different makeup at night versus during the day. Why not just always wear makeup that looks flattering? I know, I know, the evenings are time for shiny things. Ladies, we are not ravens. A shimmery dress is enough. There is no need to glop metallic powder so close to your cornea.

This logic goes completely out the window after I’ve had a drink, or two. Suddenly I become a magnet to all things over-the-top and every trendy makeup look seems appropriate. Heed the following warnings because your drunk self does not need to go anywhere near your makeup drawer.

There is no stronger bond on the planet than that between a drunken girl and a bright lipstick. It is physically impossible to resist a bright red, or worse, pink, after a few cocktails. In your mind it will look fierce and confident. In reality it will look like you wandered away from a traveling circus. Tipsy people can’t even walk in a straight line, much less color within the lines. Proper lipstick application is at art. You need to prime, apply, and blot. Your drunk-self is not capable of that level of artistic mastery. Plus, be honest with yourself, there is no way you are going to remember to blot and that lipstick will get on everything.

Eye Shadow
Unless your night involves rollerblading at a ’80s disco, then you have no reason to go overboard with the eye shadow. If that is what you have planned, then yes, we are all jealous. The makeup you apply in the mornings that makes you look pretty will still make you pretty in the evenings. I’ve never heard any woman say, “Wow, that makeup that accentuates the shape of your eye sockets looks fantastic.” I know how difficult it can be to resist novel colors when you have been drinking but you need to think long and hard about that bright blue eye shadow. To start with, why do you own that in the first place? Second of all, if you are applying it because it matches your outfit, then take a minute and reevaluate all your life choices.

If you struggle with liquid eyeliner while sober, then what could make you possibly think you will master it after drinking? I would chastise this choice further but I too have fallen victim to poorly applied winged liner. It starts out innocently enough as you line your eyes hoping for some definition. Then the right line looks a little thicker than the left so you add more to the left side. Now the right line doesn’t look thick enough. Before you know it, you will have covered your entire eyelid with eyeliner and that winged tip is practically at your hairline. You have successfully made Avril Lavigne’s makeup look natural.

No. Just stop. A well-groomed pair of brows is the envy of all women. If you wanted to have nice brows you should have thought about that way before you started to get ready. Never ever use tweezers after having a drink. In your quest for symmetry you will end either over-plucking or worse, give yourself the dread question mark brow. Instead of shaping your brows by tweezing you can always fill in with powder. I don’t recommend this either. Inevitably you will apply too much powder and end up with monochrome block brows. Woof.

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Brown rice. Black beans. Barbacoa. Both Salsas. Corn. Cheese. Guac. Lettuce.

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