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It’s the week before Valentine’s Day, and love is in the air. People are buying flowers, reserving hotel rooms, and focus group testing their Instagram captions. The other day, I was even smushed up against couple on the train that were giving each other nose kisses for well over three minutes. It was a fucking nightmare. But I’m not here to talk about the good parts of being in love. I’m here to talk about fights. When you’ve been dating for a certain amount of time, anything and everything can turn into a fight. The question is, what kind of fight? And the answer is, it all depends on your drink of choice.
Whether we’re talking margs or shots, tequila is connected to a very specific kind of drunk. Sloppy. The kind of drunk that leads to you and your significant other screaming at each other on a bar patio at 8 p.m. while surrounded by all your friends who are also so sloppy that they’re taking Snap videos of you instead of calming you down. Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. If you’re drinking tequila, there’s a zero percent chance this fight goes down quietly or in the privacy of your own home. It will be loud, it will be a spectacle, and it will be about nothing. This is one of the few fights that truly has no logical reason, it’s solely due to tequila overtaking your brain. One minute you’ll be having a great time, and the next security will be throwing you out for screaming at each other because the act of buying the light beer she requested “is as good as calling her fat to her face.” Ah, young love.
Good luck, my friends. Nothing is worse than a whiskey fight. If tequila makes you sloppy, whiskey makes you angry. I can already tell you how the fight is going to go down. One of you will accidentally bump into a stranger and offer an apology with a smile. Your partner will view this as you cheating on them IN FRONT OF THEIR FACE, and will make immediately make the most aggressive scene possible. Screaming at you, screaming at the poor stranger, screaming at your friends for “allowing it,” and threatening to “fuck someone on the dance floor to see how you like it,” all are likely options at this point. If there’s any fight where the police have to be involved, it’s this one. Whiskey is gasoline, and you are now a bomb.
Out of all the fights to have, this is the best. For one thing, a wine fight always happens in private. You’ll be enjoying a night in with your boo, getting buzzed of nine-dollar merlot, and next thing you know, someone’s crying on the couch. I say crying because wine fights, unlike most other ones, are never loud. You’re not getting angry after a personal bottle of chianti, but you will start sobbing because what you thought was a cute pet name your partner gave you was also the pet name he gave his high school girlfriend. Basically, wine will get your feelings hurt. Luckily, this is the only booze-fueled fight that can be made up in the same night. The same buzz that made you vulnerable will also help you open up and resolve the problem. Wine giveth, and wine taketh away.
The worst part about getting in a drunk fight is the one-sidedness. While other boozes will affect both parties similarly, for some reason, I swear vodka never hits you the same way twice. One of you will be the blacked-out mess, and one of you will be a little buzzed, wondering what just happened, and to be honest, I’m not sure which person has it worse. Sure, if you’re the one who wakes up the next day with no memory of what happened and an angry partner, that sucks. Having someone tell you all the bad things you did and mean things you said the night before while you’re dealing with your hangover sounds like the worst circle of hell. On the other hand, as bad as you feel about it, you don’t actually remember it.
If you’re the one that thought you were enjoying a pleasant buzz when your significant other surprised you by screaming at you, however, you get to feel a little better about yourself and can reap the rewards of an ashamed and sorry partner. Unfortunately, you’re the one who has to carry the memories of strangers staring at you as your drunken boyfriend or girlfriend just lays into you, bringing up mean shit that you don’t want aired out in public. All you can do is offer that awkward “relationships, am I right?” smile as you try and wrangle them into an Uber as fast as possible. Not a good look for either of you.
A fight? Please, you’re drinking gin. The gentleman’s drink. Fighting is for uncouth peasants, and you and your partner are far too good for that. What you’re not too good for, however, is three straight hours of passive aggressive bickering. While all these fights are bad, this is the one that’s going to really get your friends to hate you. At some point in the night, someone is going to tell you to “just fight or fuck already.”
You already know which fight this is. The one that starts with an ill-received comment at dinner, followed by whispers, cold stares, and snide remarks until you’ve successfully soaked up every bit of fun that was possible amongst your friends and poisoned it. Gin will convince you that the best way to resolve this issue is to bring your entire friend group into it, despite their abject refusal, and say things like, “Okay then let’s ask everyone! Hypothetically, is it weird that someone would still follow their ex on Instagram. No! I’m just asking as a hypothetical example. Guys, don’t be shy, I really want to know your thoughts on this!” If a question like this is posed to you, your only option is to throw down a credit card and literally run away from the table.
Vodka Red Bull
You’re breaking up in five hours. Have some hate sex while you can. .