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After yet another failed first date, whereupon our subject believed he and his match had a lot in common and had a fun time, but was thereafter rejected when inquiring about a second date, we have endeavored to launch a new service that is sorely needed by a large majority of the dating population. SingleForever Enterprises™ is pleased to announce the pilot program for dating exit interviews. This anonymous feedback will be given back to our customer after a significant amount of time has elapsed following your encounter to ensure that no angry, drunk texts asking “how she could say that about me?” will be forthcoming to the respondents.
In addition, SingleForever Enterprises™ will wipe the respondents’ phone numbers, chat history, and connection on whatever dating application you matched on from our client’s phone, to prevent possible retribution and spare you from any more “hey you up” texts. Our hope is that, with your feedback, we can improve the overall dating population by fixing one thirsty dude or girl at a time. Or at the very least, let those desperate fools know why they can’t get anything beyond a fourth date so they can stop desperately texting everyone who refuses to go beyond second base. The following is a sample questionnaire, submitted on behalf of one customer, to a girl who said she was “taking a break from dating” after a seemingly pleasant first date. SingleForever Enterprises™ can customize this questionnaire based on your own experiences, needs, and delusions regarding your own attractiveness.
Introduction: Hello [insert name of the poor soul who’s been dragged into this] we are SingleForever™ and we would like your help in getting feedback following your date with [insert name of sad, pathetic boy who doesn’t get that sometimes girls just don’t like him and it’s not his fault]. Our hope is that, with your feedback, [insert name of the idiot who plunked down a gaudy amount of money to figure out what a couple of half-hour therapy sessions would easily diagnose] will be able to make his dating experience more productive in the future.
Question 1: How would you describe your level of interest leading up to the initial date with our client?
A. Very excited! I thought he might be the one based on his charm over text, good looks, and common interests.
B. Interested. He seemed like a pretty good guy, hadn’t asked me for nudes yet, so he’s a better option than most.
C. Not very interested. I wasn’t all that attracted to him and didn’t really have a good sense that we would connect, but I wanted to meet and see if maybe he’s more dynamic in person.
D. I was just going out with him because I’m too broke to get myself drunk at happy hour.
Question 2: How would you describe your initial, physical, impression of our client?
A. The female equivalent of “hnnng.” I’m not saying I wanted to rip his clothes off based on the first two pictures on his profile, but I am saying by the fourth picture I knew I wanted to climb him like a tree.
B. He’s a good-looking guy. Good hair, kind eyes, good facial features, and relatively healthy.
C. I mean, he’s not awful to look at. Sure he’s a bit overweight/balding/scrawny but it’s not so bad I couldn’t overlook it if he has a great personality.
D. He looked like Smeagol with a pituitary disorder. And that was in his best picture.
Question 3: What physical attributes of our client negatively impacted your first impression of him? (Check all that apply)
__ style __ color __ lack of
__ no muscle definition __ overweight __ dad bod __ skinny-fat __ morbidly obese __ looked like he might require me to call an ambulance on the date
__ big nose __ big ears __ big lips __ crazy eyes __ unattractive scars __ acne __ greasy skin __ yellow teeth __ crooked teeth __ no teeth
DRESS STYLE & CLOTHING
__ bad aesthetic* __ dress inappropriate for setting of date __ clothes did not fit properly __ too many accessories/jewelry __ wore a beret/fedora __ was very clearly attempting to “peacock” __ clothes were unwashed/ironed __ was not wearing them
__ bad/creepy facial hair __ bad odor (body odor) __ bad odor (possibly swam in human waste prior to meeting) __ bad breath __ shorter/taller than acceptable __ hid a radical disfigurement/disability/ailment in his profile and you didn’t sign up to be someone’s hospice nurse
*Please see Mr. John Duda and/or Mr. Will deFries for evidence regarding the lack of necessity for men to have an “aesthetic”
Question 4: What was your feeling about his suggestion for the date’s venue?
A. Very positive! I think doing something low pressure like drinks/coffee is a great idea for a first date, where we just want to be able to talk and get to know each other.
B. It was okay. I would prefer that we do something a bit more active or adventurous like hiking, seeing a show, or checking out the aquarium.
C. Meh, I drink with my friends all the time and he let me pick the spot. Very unoriginal!
D. I just wanted to make sure it wa close to my house/favorite bar so I wasn’t going to have to walk far when I inevitably ditched after the first drink.
E. I’d have rather gone to the dentist for a root canal with someone who was attractive and normal.
Question 5: During the date, how would you describe our client’s attitude/demeanor?
A. Great! He’s super sweet, funny, and flirty, but he wasn’t being too aggressive.
B. Pretty good. He’s a nice guy and agreeable enough, but he’s a bit too reserved/laid back for my tastes.
C. He was kind of aggressively creepy. He kept trying to touch me in a non-friendly way, tried to drive me back to his place several miles away, and basically forced a good-night kiss on me.
D. At any given time there are 35 and 50 serial killers operating in the United States. He is one of them.
Question 6: How would you describe the difference between our client’s initial behaviors with you over text versus his behavior on the date? (Skip this question if he behaved like the piece of shit you knew he would be)?
A. He was kind of awkward and not as confident as he seemed before we met. It’s a shame because he is a great guy!
B. Very clearly overcompensating for something (points under the desk).
C. Honestly, a little desperate. I felt like he wanted to marry me solely based on the fact that I was in the same room as him, was breathing, and had a vagina.
D. I didn’t know they allowed patients in psych wards to have access to Bumble.
Question 7: Please check any disturbing/uncomfortable behaviors our client displayed during your date which negatively impacted your desire to date him.
__ Hit on the waitress __ Hit on the waiter __ talked at length regarding some geeky passion I couldn’t care less about __ did not ask me about my interests, passions, or goals __ told me my interests, passions, or goals were stupid __ told me I was stupid __ told me I was ugly __ told me I was stupid and ugly __ made some outrageous boast about his own wealth, accomplishments, sexual prowess, etc. __ was too handsy __ was not handsy enough __ openly burped, farted, picked his nose, scratched his groin, clipped his toenails, etc. at the table __ bragged about committing war crimes __ bragged about having the largest crowd at his inauguration of any inauguration ever __ other (please specify in the space below)
Question 8: If you were still willing to give our client a second date after the first ended, please explain any actions that changed your mind.
A. He just wasn’t that engaging with his follow-up texts. I hadn’t really been feeling that much attraction initially and he didn’t do much to keep me interested.
B. He texted me the next day! Ugh, so needy!
C. He texted me asking for nudes.
D. He texted me a dick pic.
E. He broke into my house and blasted “Careless Whisper” on his iPhone while I slept. No, not stood outside my house, broke into my house.
Question 9: When ending things, you told our client that you were “taking a break from dating.” What did you actually mean?
A. I decided to focus on myself and my own self-care. I really shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him, since I wasn’t mentally ready to be dating.
B. I just didn’t feel enough initial attraction to make me think that we had any chance for a long-term relationship, and he wasn’t hot enough to justify a short-term relationship comprised entirely of meaningless sex.
C. My ex/some other, better-looking guy finally texted me back, so I’m going to throw my eggs in his douche bag.
D. Despite multiple attempts to blow him off gently or ghost him, he continued to text/IM/message/call/e-mail me. I’m trying to be delicate by my God take a hint dude!
E. Leave. Leave now. For the love of all that is holy, please forget about me and my existence with the saying of these words. It’s not that I’m not attracted to you, it’s that you are unattractive. There is a difference. I may fake my own death if he continues to contact me.
Question 10: What advice would you give to our client to improve his dating opportunities going forward?
A. Honestly, nothing. You’re a great guy and some other girl will be lucky to end up with you! It just didn’t work out because of outside circumstances, which really sucks.
B. Be more confident and adventurous! I want a guy who isn’t afraid to show his passions and get out of his comfort zone.
C. Be a little less confident and adventurous. Like seriously dude, you’re not all that and a bag of chips. You’re a bit of that with a pickle spear on the side. Know your lane, get back into it. Or actually, make yourself into a better person.
D. Seek help. Maybe it’s psychiatric, maybe it’s medical, maybe it’s religious, but you need someone to help you before you’re someone that would be desirable to date.
E. You’re going to die alone. Sorry…but also in a more true sense not sorry. Now I’m going to drink until I’ve repressed the memory of our horrible encounter.
Optional: please provide any additional information that was not addressed in the questionnaire regarding your decision to not continue dating our client in the space below. Note: there is a high chance he will read the feedback, dismiss this criticism as “you being a monstrous bitch,” and then write it off because “girls only like assholes.” .