The Cubicle Warrior’s Double Life: Petting Zoo

The Cubicle Warrior's Double Life: Petting Zoo

Ben wrapped up his final emails of the day and checked his phone. He saw a snapchat from Emily and a couple texts in the group chat with his degenerate friends. It seems like the boys were going a little hard at happy hour and were begging him to come by. He reluctantly told the squad that he had to work a little late and couldn’t make it. He was obviously lying because he had dinner plans with Emily. He was going to make her his classic – chicken alfredo. He opened the snap from Emily to see her in her towel post-shower with the caption “can’t wait to see you!!!”

Ben was in the kitchen at home cheffing it up when Duke started barking. He peeked out the window to see Emily walking up the driveway in a black dress. He opened the door so Duke could run out and greet her and returned to the kitchen. Emily played with the dog for about 15 minutes until Ben told her to come to the table and eat. Dinner took about two hours because Emily would not stop talking. Ben was struggling between wanting to jump across the table and jump Emily’s bones and actually getting to know her better. The more she talked, the more he actually liked her, which really surprised him.

They moved to the couch and started crushing their second bottle of Pinot Grigio. Duke knew to leave them alone and went and took a nap on his massive dog bed from Costco. Ben and Emily moved to the bedroom and were just drinking the wine straight from the bottle at this point. About 15 minutes into their time together in the bedroom Duke started barking like someone was breaking in. Ben tried to ignore it all and focus on Emily until he heard a loud crash downstairs. Emily gave him a look of panic and then he heard one of his least favorite voices to hear.

“Hey, motherfucker! Had to work late, huh?! Get your ass down here we have a situation!”

Ben told Emily to wait just one second and he would be right back. He threw some shorts on and ran downstairs.

“Dylan, what on earth is the issue?”

Dylan was playing with Duke in the kitchen and eating some of the leftover alfredo. “Dude we need to borrow the Tahoe and your garage. We got a birthday present for you.”

“My birthday is in October. What the hell did y’all do?”

Dylan gave Ben a slight grin and began telling him a story. The boys stayed through happy hour and watched some baseball at the bar. They decided to play a drinking game where they took a shot of bottom-shelf tequila for each strikeout in the game. By the 6th inning, they got kicked out of the bar. As they were walking home, they decided they weren’t done with the fun yet.

“Look, Ben, we have a surprise for you. You can’t ask any questions. I just need you to drive me to where Nick and Jake are so we can pick up your present.”

“I wanna go!”

Both guys turned around to see Emily standing on the stairs in nothing but Ben’s shirt. Dylan was drooling but also pissed that Ben skipped out on a night with the boys for a night with some girl he didn’t even know about. Ben didn’t want Emily to meet his degenerate squad but she might as well join at this point. They all jumped in the Tahoe and followed Dylan’s Shaq-voiced GPS on Waze. Dylan told Ben to make the final right turn and to go ahead and park. Ben was confused.

“Dude why the fuck are we at a petting zoo?”

Dylan told Ben to relax and open the back of the Tahoe. All of a sudden behind the bushes appeared Nick leading some kind of animal on a rope as Jake was riding on its back. They got to the car out of breath and told Ben they need to hurry up. Ben looked at his friends in absolute terror.

“Is that a fucking llama?!”

Emily squealed, “I want to pet it!” as they shoved the poor animal in the back of the Tahoe. Dylan jumped in the passenger seat and Emily rode in the back between Nick and Jake so she could keep petting the llama. Ben, shaking his head, pulled out of the petting zoo and drove back to his house. When they got back, Ben started to apologize to Emily for his psycho friends but all she did was laugh and give him a kiss goodbye. As soon as Emily was gone, Ben started yelling at his friends. He told them that they needed to sleep in the garage with the llama and it needed to be gone in the morning. He got the three drunken stooges some blankets and locked them in the garage.

He woke up in the morning at normal time. He checked the garage. No llama. No Jake. Just a passed out Dylan and Nick cuddling on the garage floor. Ben didn’t even care at this point and opened the garage door to go drive to work, except his driveway was empty and the Tahoe was nowhere to be found.

Image via Shutterstock

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Just a big dude from Virginia who loves Dale Earnhardt, guns, and eating red meat.

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