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I’m going on vacation this weekend, and I could not be more stoked about it. Where am I going, you ask? Well, let me give you a hint. It’s February in Chicago, I haven’t seen the sun in several months, and I’m an active 26-year-old male. Hiking Machu Picchu? Negative. Exploring Madrid? Wrong again. You guessed it, I’m staying the weekend at a quaint little bed and breakfast in Egg Harbor, Wisconsin. The jewel of the Midwest.
I know, you’re asking why a man in his early mid-twenties would choose to use valuable time and PTO to take a trip that would bore a retiree, and I’m here to tell you exactly why.
It’s romantic as hell.
Is kissing on top of the Eiffel Tower romantic? Sure, but it’s only like 1% of your trip. The other 99% is spent dealing with travel, exploration, adventure, and the realization that Paris is a shithole city inhabited by shithole city dwellers. Now don’t get me wrong, I love exploring new cultures and adventuring through the wilderness, but when it comes to romance, you just can’t beat staying at a bed and breakfast.
When you reserve that room, you’re committing to doing nothing but lounging, sipping champagne, and yes, going to town on your significant other like it’s prom night. All bed and breakfasts are located a minimum of 30 miles away from anything cool and exciting, and I suspect it’s for this very reason. It forces you to do nothing but spend quality time with your partner. Listening to them talk. Cuddling in front of a fireplace. Slow dancing in your room like you’re in a Nicholas Sparks novel. All that gooey shit. You’ll come back more in love than you were when you left.
Sometimes, you need boring.
Much like many of you, my life gets pretty routine at times. In between work, the gym, and the cold weather, I really don’t do much. Weekends are filled with errands and going to the same bars with the same people. I love my friends, but that rut starts to get old real fast. Now, if I spent eight days in a tropical paradise or immersing myself in a foreign land, that would only exacerbate how boring my routine life is.
However, when you spend all weekend doing literally nothing but relaxing with your boyfriend or girlfriend, all of a sudden, those old bars sound exciting again. You’ll come back home revitalized, recharged, and excited to get fucked up and see your friends, not bummed that you’re back in your shitty city after spending a week gallivanting around South America.
You get pampered.
When was the last time someone made breakfast for you? Not a bowl of cereal, I mean a real three-course breakfast, made for you right when you woke up? Months? Years? Sixth grade when your dad was trying to butter you up after your parent’s divorce? The point is, it’s been way too long. A good bed and breakfast is all about pampering. It’s usually run by an elderly couple who use you as a stand-in for their own grandkids who don’t visit often enough. And thank god they don’t, because you need all the pampering you can get.
No one spoils like grandparents, and bed and breakfast owners are essentially professional grandparents. Home cooked meals available in the kitchen. Warm, cozy beds just covered in quilts. If you really want to get into it, you can join other guests in the common room and watch Jeopardy together while eating milk and cookies. God, that’s wholesome. Just what you need to wash off all the grime and filth of being a borderline alcoholic in the big city. Just me? Ok.
You get to enjoy the right amount of nature.
Look, nature’s tight and all, but sometimes it just gets too…nature-y. The bugs. The cold. The heat. Dirt. Nature’s just covered in dirt, guys. The good thing is, most bed and breakfast inns are in gorgeous wilderness settings. Sweeping vistas of the forest. Panoramas of a snowy wonderland. Scenes of the sun setting fire to the lake is slowly sets. Just beautiful.
The better thing is, all of these views can be seen from the comfort of your own room. You can watch the sunset curled up in bed, cozily in front of the fireplace, or even outside on the porch, if you’re a real wilderness buff. You can see the grand majesty that mother nature has to offer, but also be drinking a Hot Toddy while basking in the comfort of central heating. Truly, the best of both worlds.
If you’re in Egg Harbor this weekend and see a girl hiking/touring the town/doing any activity on her own, that’s probably my girlfriend. I’ll be in the room. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
I especially enjoy the BNB’s that offer activities such as:
Plowing Fields
Making Tables
Beet Wine Classes
Mattress Making
Tour of the fields
Tour of the barn
Tour of the slaughterhouse
Moes’s table making demonstration
Please tell me the irrigation room hasn’t been booked yet
Are you sure that’s a BNB and not an Amish compound?
This made me uncomfortable.
My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Moes. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm…sometimes teenagers use it for sex
Okay Dwight.
I didn’t see “fiscally responsible” as a reason to BnB over lavish vacation so I’m gonna chuck that up for consideration
Brb booking a bed and breakfast for 1 a few weekends from now
I’m with you
Count me in.
Sex at a BnB is overrated. Nothing like going down to the community breakfast to be meet with looks of judgement from people who heard your 1960s bed make noises all night through the paper thin walls.
I love an audience.
B&B > Big resort all day, every day. Whatever you think you do that’s romantic for your girl (flowers, dates, trips, etc.), nothing is going to please her like a weekend at a B&B.
Bonus pro tip: if you do it right your Instagram post(s) can look like you’re just at a house and make all your high school friends think “wow, did 19th Hole really make it or what?”
I’m gonna open up a penny candy store Monopoly near all the BnBs where we accept fractional crypto shares as payment that’s also just a front for a large drug distribution operation because we need to get back to simple times in life where criminals could still be honest, hard working Americans unlike the loser ones we have now lol
Can confirm. Just stayed in an amazing, historic BnB 1.5 hours from D.C. and 15 min from WhiteTail. (They offered a great discount on ski tickets). 10/10 would recommend.
The most important part of a recommendation is the name of the place?
Mercerberg Inn. Might be haunted but comfy beds and cheap skiing is worth it.
Mercerberg inn has an amazing restaurant too. Great call
I’ve resisted the temptation to book a B&B for fear of the look of shame at breakfast from the professional grandparents for having to hear me have sex the previous night. Is this something I should be less worried about?
You shouldn’t worry about it at all. Wait until after 8pm. Most geriatrics take their hearing aids out before bed.
Where is the shame in sex?
Are you aware that old people are hard of hearing or is that a concept lost on you?
Never before have I felt such an urgency for a weekend getaway to a BNB than I have after reading this article.
Can you deliver some peanut butter fudge from the confectionery? Thanks in advance.