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As we trudge into the new year, older, fatter, and more depressed, it only makes sense to plan lofty, unattainable goals for ourselves. Cutting out carbs? All of them? Good! That’ll go well. How about alcohol? Sticking to a soul-crushing Sober January schedule? Perfect. I’m suuuure that’ll last past brunch. While I don’t want to be a downer (kidding, I love it), I know how this works: You make a goal for yourself, you break it within a week, and then you feel like shit until Lent, when you try to do it all over again.
And so, to help ease the pain of the hardest month of the year, I’ve created some tried and true sex tips that should be added to your to-do (hi-oh) lists this year. Because if it’s sex-related, it almost doesn’t feel like a chore. Almost.
The Workout Plan
• Sign up for an expensive gym membership.
• See an attractive person there.
• Casually watch said person over the course of a few weeks.
• No, it’s not stalking. Relax. You’re just…glancing.
• And scheduling your gym time for when they’re at the gym.
• And grabbing their used towels out of the bin and sniffing them.
• Anyway, after mentally planning your future together for months, work up the courage to approach your soulmate.
• Be told that he/she is already seeing someone and that honestly, you’re not their type.
• Cancel gym membership.
The Eating Out
• Go out to a nice, slow, romantic dinner.
• Stare dreamily at all of the cheesy, saucy, fried entrees.
• Begrudgingly order a salad.
• Soak that bitch in ranch dressing.
• Feel pretty good about yourself.
• But then, just as you’re loving the healthy life, realize your stomach feels off.
• Recognize that feeling as having to shit, thanks to putting foliage in your body, something that hasn’t happened in a good three months.
• Make up some excuse about having to go home early.
• Shit your guts out.
• Order a pizza and stalk your friends on Instagram, feeling lonely, fat, and bitter.
The Downward Dog
• Agree to finally take a yoga class with your almost-significant other.
• Walk in with an air of confidence, ready for a ~sexy~ date.
• I mean, how hard could it be?
• After mere moments you find out that that shit actually is hard.
• Lay on the mat for half the class while sweating profusely.
• Throw up.
• Avoid any physical contact with said person due to your horrible BO and nausea.
The Sober Session
• Head to the bar you normally go to to pick up willing sexual partners.
• Realize that without alcohol (thanks a lot, #SoberJanurary), the patrons aren’t as attractive as usual.
• After glancing in the mirror, you realize you’re not as attractive as usual.
• Consider inviting someone home with you for the hell of it.
• Realize how awkward that would be, due to your sobriety.
• Call it an early night and head home to play video games and jerk off.
The Cold Shower
• Go on a hot, workout date with your physically fit other half.
• Wake up the next morning in utter and complete pain.
• Consider having sex, but realize you can’t really move your legs.
• Stand in the cold shower in an attempt to ease your stiff muscles.
• All of your stiff muscles.
The Steamy Shower
• Invite your sexual partner into the shower with you.
• Casually suggest having a little steamy fun.
• And by casually, ask if they “wanna fuck.”
• Attempt to pick her up.
• Be afraid that you’ll drop her and break her neck.
• Put her down.
• Attempt to go down.
• Realize the angles don’t really work.
• Debate asking her to go down, but realize that probably wouldn’t end well.
• Suggest taking her from behind.
• Pull a hammy mid-thrust.
• Call it a fail and just get out of the shower.
The Lights Out
• Give up on all of your other resolutions.
• You know, like going to the gym, eating well, and becoming an attractive person.
• Trick someone into loving you.
• Turn off the lights each and every time you get naked for the rest of your life.
• Live happily ever after.
Works every time..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
My favorite is the 20 second jackhammer followed by 8 hour of sleep.
That’s always a crowd pleaser
Have only tried this one on one. Wouldn’t mind trying it in a crowd.
I’m impressed by the length of both of those things.
I’m pretty good at that first part, but how the hell do you get 8 hours of sleep?
Hedge fund accounting is hard as fuck (at least at my company) and I’m an introvert, but I have to be around people and interact with them all day. Between the two, I’m ready to pass out by 10 pm most weekdays.
Tell me what I should invest in before the market correction after 2020 (besides utility stocks)…there’s a mine in Southeast Asia that the Rockefellers own 90% of and if you aren’t investing in the streaming company that benefits from the raw materials that come from that mine then you might as well start waiting in the breadline lol. Also, money is everything and nothing at the same time so how can one quantify value from the very thing that cancels itself out in terms of actual value?
Bitcoin. Invest in Bitcoin.
Alibaba. It will get you a solid 50% this year.
Altcoins- XLM, REQ, MOD, TRON, VEN
I have a couple to add
The Steamy Shower could apply to everything I do with a few words changed here and there.
🙁
69 or GTFO
Year of the doggystyle.
I have one move, and that is GotoPornHub at the end of the day.