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You know what I’m sick of? Getting told how much time I can save by “following these quick and easy steps.” Most of the time, they involve getting up earlier and putting forth extra effort the night before–neither of which I am willing to do. Who has time to get everything ready the night before when you’re still trying to catch up to your coworkers on “Orange Is The New Black” episodes? And who wants to get up earlier when you spend the whole night before watching said “OITNB” episodes? No one, that’s who. Have no fear, though, fellow rat racers. I have come up with some brilliant ways to save time, even if you’re a lazy-ass, non-morning person like me. In fact, you may even be doing some of these right now! See, you’re already on the right track to becoming a time-saving extraordinaire.
Skip The Shower
Who needs to shower when dry shampoo exists? Also, how dirty can you even get sitting in one place all day? Usually when I go to shower in the morning, I’m not really even dirty. It’s just socially expected for a person to bathe every day. Well, you know what I say to that? Fuck social norms. You don’t need to shower. Who are you trying to impress? This will save you approximately five to 10 minutes if you are male and 20 to 40 minutes if you are a female. Who wants 40 extra minutes of sleep in the morning? You do.
Wear Dirty Clothes
Laundry is such a process. There’s the color separating, cycle selecting, and manual folding labor that no one likes to do. Then, afterward, there’s always your favorite shirt shrunk to the size of a onesie. And don’t even get me started about the cost of dry cleaning. Who needs all that stress when you can just wear your clothes a second (or third, or tenth) time around?
Finish Getting Ready In The Drive Thru
You know how long it takes to do your makeup? Approximately the same time it takes to sit in that long-ass drive thru at Starbucks. Why take an extra 10 minutes in the bathroom to curl your eyelashes and apply mascara when you can just do it while you’re waiting for that delicious venti macchiato?
Eat Out For Lunch
Packing a lunch saves so much money and it’s so much healthier and blah, blah, blah. Chipotle offers a burrito for less than $10, and guacamole is healthy, right? If you’re looking for a cheaper route, you could always go for some Taco Bell. Just make sure you have a bathroom cleared out for later. That shit ain’t right, literally.
After having to stay late at work, sitting through miles of traffic during rush hour, and fighting your way onto a treadmill to make up for that Taco Bell at lunch, you don’t have much time to even eat dinner, let alone prepare one. That’s when Lean Cuisine and all its yummy goodness comes to your rescue. What’s that you’re saying about sodium and MSG? Those don’t even really matter until you’re 50. Just heat that sucker up in the microwave, sit down, and enjoy.