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Maybe this past week you decided that you’re in a rut and need to seek a new opportunity. Maybe you’ve decided to completely change your job field. Maybe your cushy job handing out Oscar envelopes for PricewaterhouseCooper has suddenly disappeared. Whatever the need be for you to go job hunting, we’ve got you covered with this week’s Craigslist gems.
From Las Vegas, NV: CIGARETTE SMOKERS WANTED
I feel like they’d be more successful recruiting behind the back alley of a strip club than on Craigslist, but if you rip heaters like there’s no tomorrow, there’s opportunity in Vegas. One big caveat though:
Have smoked cigarettes for at least 10 years
Have smoked at least 10 cigarettes a day for the past year
Be willing to continue smoking when the study has ended
Damn. Where are they going to find a ten-year smoker who’s cool with continuing to smoke?
From San Antonio, TX: SWIMMING POOL CLEANER. WE PAY TOP $$$
Great headline, but I’m going to tweak their ad a little bit.
WORK FOR A BETTER COMPANY AND EARN MORE $$$$$
How about “Get paid to work in front of hot housewives.”
WE WANT CAREER MINDED INDIVIDUALS WHO WANT TO BE APPRECIATED AND ADVANCE WITH A GROWING COMPANY.
“We want dudes who watched the “Stacy’s Mom” video a bunch as a kid and have always wanted to seduce a cougar while scrubbing algae.”
From New York, NY: Armed Security Operative
You say “Armed Security Operative” but I hear “You’re going to be James fucking Bond.” But it gets better:
MSA Security has an opportunity regarding Armed Security full time and part time employment for Yankee Stadium in Bronx, NY.
They don’t come out and say you’ll be guarding Jeter every time he comes to a game, but that’s definitely what you’ll be doing.
From Las Vegas, NV: Pipe Layer
If you’ve ever gone to Vegas hoping to lay some pipe over the course of your trip, here’s your opportunity. And with this one they’ll actually pay you.
From San Antonio, TX: Transport US Mail $19.14 Hr
Laugh all you want but that extra $.14 is about an extra $291 a year. Bernie Sanders would love this shit.
From Washington DC: Infant Toddler Assistant Teacher
Based on the job description I’m inferring this as a job to keep Trump occupied in the Oval Office and away from his phone.
From Austin, TX: Positions
What kind of positions you ask?
Call Today Start Wednesday!!!!!
Accepting Applications All Day!!!
All applicants must meet the following requirements to apply:
-MUST be hardworking
-MUST be 18 or older
This could be anything from an assassin to an escort.
Job Of The Week
From Washington DC: Help a 35 year old dude
Normally job of the week is off the wall ridiculous, but this one is pretty unique in its own right, pretty much because it’s the plot of the next box office hit rom-com.
Hey! I am a local disabled artist 35 male looking for a caregiver that’s multitalented. This job doesn’t require any certifications, just a willingness to learn.
Go ahead and picture Ryan Gosling sitting in his wheelchair painting masterpieces and just needing a little help.
In April 2014, I started painting and continue today. I have an art page and frequently post new art for my fans to see and buy. You will become an administrator on my art page, where you will post my latest pieces of Art. Hopefully, we will have an Art show which consists of making fliers, pricing art, booking a venue and hosting. You will handle transactions and make sure I don’t turn into a nervous wreck and slide out of my wheel chair.
Cue the funny scene where you as the caretaker are negotiating a high priced art deal for one of Gosling’s paintings and he gets nervous and hits the floor and nearly slides out into traffic. This is the moment where a female caretaker either starts falling for him, or if you’re a dude you start falling for his sister.
More frequently, your days will consist of helping me live everyday life; helping me into the shower (which is easier than it sounds.. you just lift one leg into the shower and pull the towel from under my bottom)
Calling an ass a “bottom” is kind of a red flag but maybe it’s a PG rom-com.
This job requires a unique person who’s friendly, out-going, reliable and hopefully good at trivia.
The last scene in the film definitely occurs at trivia night at the local bar. If you’re in the DC area and want a new gig helping this dude who is potentially kinda like a wheelchair-bound, artist version of Ryan Gosling (or just a cool guy who likes to paint), click the link. .
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Looking at you @Quinn Truflais.
I only apply to the ones from middle aged men looking for a “female roommate to live rent free” and “perform light housekeeping duties.”
Never thought I’d see Boerne referenced on this site, shout-out to the Key to the Hill Country