The Best Man At Pippa Middleton’s Wedding Absolutely Crushed His Speech


I know, I know, I just covered her wedding yesterday. But when it’s wedding season, you’re obligated to cover the most high profile society wedding of the year.

From the bottles of Dom Perignon to the fleet of Range Rovers that shuttled everyone from place to place, the wedding spared no costs. It was done big, and it was done right. I feel like a peasant for not receiving an invite, but my schedule’s pretty full with weddings as it is so I’m not going to stew over it more than I already have.

As someone who knocked their one and only best man speech out of the park and into the cheap seats, I kept my ear to the streets to see what went down at Pippa’s wedding. Justin Johannsen, James Matthews’ best man, apparently made a speech that’s been described as “lewd” and “bawdy,” which is a word I’ve never heard before but am 100% dropping at my next social event.

The Telegraph notes that things went “downhill quickly” shortly after he started the speech, but after reading the accounts of it, I have a differing opinion.

But, after tribute to the groom himself, the tone apparently went downhill quickly with a series of references to buttock clenching, lads’ weekends and gay bars.

If you’re not making half the room uncomfortable during your speech, you’re simply not doing enough. Sometimes you even have to drop a “fuck” to keep things honest and make sure everyone knows you’re there to strut. But it didn’t stop there.

Mr Johannsen apparently said: “Now to the love of James’ life: beautiful, energetic, loyal, soft-mouthed, comes on command, great behind. But that is enough about Jame’s spaniel, Rafa, I’m here to talk about James’ love, Pippa.”

Words cannot appropriately describe that segue, so I’m going to use a gif to describe it for me.

…crushed it.

Start light, skew inappropriate, hit ’em with a zinger, and then start buttering up the bride to close things out? Yeah – wash, rinse, repeat and the room will be in stitches. Sure, this room was filled with a bunch of uptight blokes who aren’t allowed to laugh in public. But if you’re letting those royal dweebs dictate your best opportunity to showcase to the bridesmaids how funny you are, you’re playing to the wrong crowd.

[via The Telegraph]

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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