Some of you may have noticed a growing movement I happen to be a fan of: #TeamDadBody. It’s a movement that promotes the quintessential physique of slightly under-fit men everywhere. It’s not to promote obesity, heart attacks, or diabetes, but merely to say “guts are okay,” as a dear friend of mine compiled an entire list of its benefits. However, not everyone is on board, and I can understand that, considering I know some feel just as strongly about a distinctive six-pack, and I don’t mean the kind a dad bod throws back after work instead of hitting the ab roller. When thinking of examples of some high-profile dad bods, I realized that prior to the coining of this movement, some of us have been attracted to this type all along.
We’ll start with Seth Rogen, as all of his characters before he lost weight. Seth had an exceptional dad bod in “Knocked Up,” which landed him the lovely Katherine Heigl, a defining moment for what some may call a subpar male specimen. I dug it. Seth lost a lot of that adorable chub for his role in “The Green Hornet,” and I have to say, I’m not a fan. This is where I’ll also mention Jonah Hill. Early Jonah Hill was definitely on the downslope of the dad bod bell curve, but skinny Jonah Hill just looks weird. For the love of dad bods, hopefully these two can average out their “can’t walk the block without getting winded” selves with their “please eat something you look weird” selves.
Next: Kevin Costner, as Kevin Fucking Costner. Some girls like Brad Pitt, some like George Clooney, and some think those two pale in comparison to Kevin Costner. That’s where I firmly stand. He’s by far my favorite, and that middle section of his slightly protruding, over-the-belt belly in those lady-getting (wetting) baseball pants in “For Love of the Game” is enough to make any girl jump on the gut-go-round for a ride.
You know who wasn’t hot? Ed O’Neill as Al Bundy on “Married… With Children,” that’s who. You know who can land young, smokin’ hot wives? Ed O’Neill as Jay Pritchett on “Modern Family.” Some may look at Jay Pritchett and think that he only landed Gloria (Sofia Vergara) in fake life because she likes that cash. However, I beg to differ. Ed O’Neill is rockin’ that over-the-hill image and bod. I bet there are plenty of legit, real life Jay and Glorias out there putting every couple at the local country club with their divorce attorneys on speed dial to shame.
Vince Vaughn. This one is easy. The ladies loooove Vinnie-boy. You know what the ladies do when they get tired of watching Brad Pitt flex in the mirror? They call up Vince for some binge drinking at the local dive bar, charming jokes, and sloppy drunk love-making–just ask Jennifer Aniston.
Jason Segel as someone who isn’t Jason Segel. Jokes aside, his face just doesn’t do it for me. He has a mediocre dad bod consisting of a little muffin top and some man-boob cleavage. However, it has been brought to my attention that it’s a fairly recognizable dad bod nonetheless, largely due to his full bod, full naked, full frontal peener shot in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” I felt obliged to mention him. I will say, where Seth and Jonah can pull off the slim look against my will, mainly because their baby faces are mostly still there, Jason looks like a meth addict when he’s skinny, making it even more important for him to keep a little insulation on that 6-foot-4 frame of his.
This one is going to be pretty subjective, but hear me out, because I’d like to bring these two lovable men to your attention. For a movie with a title as dumb as “Hot Tub Time Machine,” it actually turned out to be a masterpiece that I can’t get enough of–including Lou and Jacob, who, in the movie, just so happen to turn out to be father and son. In real life, they are Rob Corddry and Clark Duke, respectively. I dig Rob, but I’d really like to focus on Clark, who can recently be seen on “Two and a Half Men.” I just want to hug him, squeeze him, watch him do funny skits for me, and make him my own. I imagine Clark will live on to accumulate much fame and fortune…and hopefully not a diet. In the meantime, I’ll continue to daydream about a Lou-Jacob, father-son sandwich and the release of “Hot Tub Time Machine 2” in December. Hey, Clark, tweet me up for a date to the premier–I’m available.
Due to popular demand, and by “popular demand” I mean an actual incessant demand from an internet colleague, I will add an honorable mention of Jason Sudeikis. Let me clarify something: you do not, I repeat, DO NOT, have to have actual children to have a dad bod. In fact, it’s preferable that you don’t, as kids are a distraction from a direct view of that perfectly round half-moon abdomen, and no one likes grubby kid hands everywhere. However, I don’t think Sudeikis has a dad bod in my interpretation of such. He’s an actual dad with an extraordinarily average physique, but he’s cool and 9.9 out of 10 women would bang, so I’ll give him his nod..