You have a job. You have (some) money. You have 12 weekends to dress like a true mover, shaker, and baby maker. How you show up to a tailgate says a lot about where you are in life, how much money you’re making, and how much school spirit you’ve got. Get ready.
-School-themed Hawaiian shirt
You really don’t care about the Sun Belt scrubs your alma mater is playing the second week of the season, so your attire might as well say it, too. There’s only one thing you’re saying with this getup: you’re here to party and smooch babes.
The Ol’ Ball Coach
-Game day polo
-M-frames with Croakies
You could quite literally stroll onto the field and start tossing 10-yard outs to the third teamers and no one would bat an eyelash…until they saw you were wearing sandals and also toting a six-pack of Busch camo cans. This is an understated outfit–you aren’t trying to impress anybody. You’re just here for some booze and some pigskin.
The Lone Star Special
-Columbia Bonehead PFG (school colors)
-Sunglasses with Croakies
“You can all go to hell, I’m going to Texas.” This outfit litters Austin, Lubbock, College Station, Waco, Houston, and Dallas on game days. I’ll be honest, I dig it. It’s a Texas classic. If a 35-year-old Tommy Lee Jones showed up at your tailgate in 2014, this is what he’d be wearing. This look has started to spread across the country, and it’s time for it to take over. It just oozes machismo.
The Baby Booster
-Team color camel hair blazer
-Bootcut blue jeans
-Team logo lapel pin
Dress for the Board of Curators position you want, not the local Junior Alumni Association Coordinator volunteer position you have.
The Cool Dad
-Nylon pullover windbreaker
So, let’s say it’s late in the season. It’s beautiful during the day. Gorgeous–60 and sunny. But you’re playing at 8 o’clock and the sun’s going down at 6:30. The next thing you know, it’s 45 degrees and you’re the idiot who’s wearing a long sleeved tee with jeans. Dad mode: engage. That Mizuno pullover from 1997 is about to get some miles. Throw on those 993s and the alumni golf tournament hat you got two years ago and boom, you’re all set. Don’t forget your gloves!
-Hoodie under Carhartt jacket
Do you live on a farm? Why are you dressed like this? It’s October, not the middle of January. You look like a dark khaki version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Fuck outta here.
-Koozies pouring out of your pockets
Okay, let’s just pump the brakes. You are not 19 years old anymore, and even if you were, you would look fantastically ridiculous wearing this. I might let this slide if you went to an SEC school, but even then, pull back the reins a little bit. Do less. Just do less.
You are pathetic. You are scum. Maybe put forth a little effort next time and try to convince people that you’re not working at a 7-11 part-time?
The Wannabe Coach
-Game day polo
-Game day fleece pullover
–White New Balance 409s
This would be one helluva Halloween costume, but it’s not Halloween and you’re not Mike Leach. Man, I wish I was Mike Leach. Maybe someday. If you are under the age of 45, you are prohibited from wearing this outfit.
The “New” Jersey Guy
-Brand new jersey
First off, you’re breaking rule numero uno of jersey-wearing. The player featured on the jersey must be older than you are. You’re not in college anymore, but you’re rocking the number of a kid who was in high school two years ago. The jersey ban goes into effect when you turn 18. It’s cool if you want to rock the vintage hand me down Herschel Walker or Peyton Manning jersey, but if you’re dropping more than $80 bucks on a brand new Nike authentic, you’re a moron. Read my lips: no new jerseys.