======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I watch a lot of really awful television. Shamelessly awful. I’ve seen every episode of Girls, Gossip Girl, and pretty much every other show with the word “Girl” in the title. But this show is a new low.
I’m talking about a new web series, The Bedford Stop, that takes place in Brooklyn (specifically Williamsburg). It follows around a bunch of emotionally empty girls that lie in bed, take selfies, scroll Tinder, and would rather bury their faces in their phones than have intelligent conversations.
If you have sixteen minutes and have been looking for a reason to feel better about yourself, I’d suggest watching it below. If not, I’ve done you a favor and recapped it all as well.
It all begins with one the girls, Alex, lying in bed in her apartment after “just waking up” despite the fact that there’s a dude with a camera recording her every move as she complains about it being “bright” in her room. She does, in fact, have black drapes that are pulled back which is allowing the sunlight to pour in, but it’s unconfirmed as to why she isn’t utilizing them for their actual purpose.
After deciding on going to Cafe Colette for brunch in favor of Teddy’s (where they always go #standard), Alex and Sarah decide to meet at 11. The transition music chosen for between scenes is strangely unexpected, as I think we all figured they’d utilize some type of underground music we’ve never heard of rather than a canned guitar-strum heavy riff of bullshit.
Once the music ends, we get taken to Melissa and Olena’s apartment where we get to witness an exciting conversation between the two while Olena sits on Facebook and discusses how she went out too late the night before and is considering getting a Tinder headshot done by her friend Max, who I’m sure isn’t insufferable at all. If you look closely below, you not only see Facebook on her laptop screen, but a poster in the upper-left corner of a cat with a mustache, which is, like, so Williamsburg.
Olena, who is the early favorite for the girl you hate the most, has some serious problems. First, everyone — wait for it — went to brunch without her because her antics from the night before caused her to sleep in. “Who are you? Me?” Melissa hilariously responds, because they’re both so naughty.
After Olena turns down Melissa’s amazing offer to go shopping because of Max’s incredible Tinder headshot opportunity, we get to watch Olena swipe left on fifteen consecutive guys, one of which was dressed like a dinosaur. OMG, so cray. She can’t even.
Just before you consider offing yourself because their soulless conversation about nothing will seemingly never come to a conclusion, The Bedford Stop transitions to Cafe Colette where Alex is either taking a selfie, or just using her front-facing camera as a means to fix her hair which I’m sure was never adjusted before she got on camera / to Cafe Colette in the first place.
At brunch, Sarah admits that she’s crazily been on five Tinder dates in the last two weeks. Again, these girls are so naughty.
Sarah poo-poos the restaurant her date took her too — The Charleston — but thinks, “Hey, it’s free pizza, free beer,” so who cares. Because I’m sure that’s what the guy was looking for in a date — a girl to buy pizza and beer for rather than have a conversation that could lead to a fulfilling relationship.
After stating how awful the date was, Sarah kindly reiterates, “Again, free drinks, free dinner.” The scene then ends, thus concluding another soulless conversation surrounding Tinder and a girl pimping herself out online for free food and drink. Again, that is literally all they talked about in that scene.
Thankfully, we get to go back to Olena’s place where she has yet to move from her bed and laptop because everyone is still at brunch. Her friend on the phone, Kait, asks her “What’s new?” to which she responds, “Nothing, literally nothing.” This exchange makes me wonder why someone decided these girls were worthy of their own web series.
Our main dude Max re-enters the conversation when Olena asks Kait if she thinks it would be weird if she had him take her Tinder headshots. Kait gives a very half-hearted response that it wouldn’t be weird, when it would clearly be weird. Once we realize that it’s not only weird because we’re talking about fucking Tinder headshots, we learn that it’s weird because Max once asked Olena out to dinner. Olena, being the grade-a space cadet that she is, foolishly thought Max was asking her on a date when in reality, he was asking a group of people out to dinner all through separate text messages. Earth to Max, it’s 2015, my dude. Ever heard of a group chat? SMH.
Look at the smile on Olena’s face though. You know she low-key still wants to bone him.
I, personally, thought that Max was just a sick photographer who was going to take some breathtaking photos of our vapid heroin, but then we get a sneak peek at Max’s website, which is truly just a website for Tinder headshots. Goddammit, Max. I also found the actual website and I’ve never wanted to punch a screen as badly as I do right now.
“Should I dress super casual, or slutty, or what?” Olena asks as steam pours out of everyone’s ears. As they say goodbye after not deciding what Olena should wear, Kait says the most peculiar thing in the entire pilot episode.
In case you’re as mindless as Olena, this is peculiar because Olena isn’t funny in any sense of the word.
And if you’re keeping track at home, we’re now 7-and-a-half minutes into the episode and three-quarters of the scenes have featured a girl in bed on some type of device. That’s the world we’re living in.
Thankfully, we get to go back to Sarah and Alex. Sarah tries to talk to Alex about how “everyone looks better in fall clothes” but Alex doesn’t hear her because she’s busy scrolling something on her phone. So now we’re officially watching a show where even the featured characters don’t care what the other featured characters have to say, which makes us wonder why there’s any reason we should care as well.
As they shop in a kitschy store with a bunch of secondhand shit in it, they discuss the excitement of the brunch that we all just wish we had never had to be a fly on the wall for.
They leave the store, though. Because Alex thinks thrift stores are filled with spirits. Oh, and she gets grossed out because other people’s fucking vaginas have been in the clothes.
Yeah, Alex. That’s kind of the deal with secondhand stores. Other people’s body parts have touched the clothes. That’s why they’re cheap as shit.
Luckily, we get some reprieve in the form of our boy, Max.
Surprisingly, Max looks much less punchable than I originally anticipated. Like, I sneaky might chill with him and talk about chicks. At one point he says, “This is a serious business and you’re making it a joke,” knowing that this isn’t a serious business based on the shit-eating grin on his face. Max might actually be the smartest person on the show because it’s evident he knows he’s absolutely robbing these Brooklynites of their parent’s money in the form of $75 for one Tinder headshot.
Following the conversation between Max and Olena, they pan to this.
Max then scrolls Olena’s Tinder and says what we all wanted him to say after she claims she’s looking for a husband — “Your photos make it look like you just want to bang.” We then sit through Olena’s photoshoot, which takes place in what appears to be a balllllllllller studio. See here.
Max then says the one sentence that someone should have said before they ever thought it was a good idea to tape this web series — “You put way too much weight on your Tinder.” Aaaaand scene.
We finally get some insight into the most exciting pre-game ever.
Just kidding. It makes Williamsburg look depressing as hell. Thankfully, the excitement really picks up when the girls start showing each other photos on their phones that we, as viewers, can’t see.
The girls decide it’s a good idea to call Olena, who says she’s “having FOMO” when they ask what she’s up to. If only Olena knew how sick drinking a bottle of cheap wine in an empty, dark apartment is with two girls that do nothing but sit on their phones. When they ask her how the headshots were, her answer was incredibly insightful.
“First of all, what? Second of all, it was actually fine.” Awesome, I’m glad we all got to endure that rollercoaster of emotion.
They decide to go to Brooklyn Bowl after they assure Olena that she won’t get Ebola. That’s a serious sentence that I just typed. Once they get there, we are graced with a series of shots of the girls taking selfies together.
Following a series of conversations that we can’t hear because production was too cheap to mic people in a loud bar, Olena describes the struggle she has with her roommate, Melissa. Centered around the fact that Melissa doesn’t communicate enough with Olena because of her boyfriend, the conversation gets interrupted when one of them drops a drink and the other’s phone rings. Whoever is calling the phone is clearly more important than Olena, because no one actually cares about each other in this show.
The show concluded with the girls discussing an Instagram. It’s super fucking intense.
They toss around the possibility of the filter and geotag affecting her likes, but one thing is for sure — 6 likes in 14 minutes is downright unacceptable.
More selfies happen, and then the show comes to a close when their Uber arrives. And what did I just watch. .
Images via YouTube