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We had another party at work last night and it went exactly how you would think, except this party had an open bar, so go ahead and double any drink total you may have had in your head. I slept at my coworker’s place, showed up in a wrinkly shirt, and tossed on a hat for good measure.
Work parties happen to be one of those situations where you need to watch what you’re doing and pay attention to what you’re saying. The exact opposite of what I do anytime I go out. In college, you had the freedom to slug Rubinoff, blackout, and do horrible things without any real consequences. The only consequences being your friends, and select girls, hating you for a couple days. You can do whatever you’d like at any other party and there aren’t any real problems. Until you mess with the wrong guy and get your ass beat, but that’s neither here nor there.
At a work party you really shouldn’t be the employee that is drooling on the bar as the CEO of the company walks through the door. Take your time when you get there. You don’t want to be the guy slugging shots of Fireball while everyone else is sipping on waters. Work parties are a tough read because you don’t know where to draw the line. You’re not sure if you can just get after it, and try and hook up with your hot manager, or if you need to behave yourself and soberly hit on your manager, which never works out well. What I’ve learned is that liquid courage is the key to survival. Get that stuff flowing through your bloodstream and you can become Superman, for better or for worse.
Many people tend to take it easy when it comes to work parties because most times they fall on a weekday. Those people taking it easy want to be “productive” the next day. You can officially cross me off that list. The only thing you can count on from me after a work party is a few more bathroom breaks due to the infamous, “Bud Mud.” I may as well not even be there with the amount of work I don’t get done. I just melt into my chair, put my feet up, and try to write a solid column that people will maybe laugh at.
Here are some Do’s and Don’ts at a Work Party:
– Do enjoy yourself. Heck, if the company is going to pay for your drinks, you may as well get their money’s worth.
– Don’t pass up the opportunity to go out and get free drinks. That may be the most obvious thing I have ever said.
– Do try and hit on your hot managers/coworkers. Can’t get a hit if you don’t take a few hacks, right?
– Don’t touch or “cop a feel.” That’s assault, brotha.
– Do develop some friendships. You can’t eat lunch alone everyday, Stephen Glansburg.
– Don’t be the weird guy who follows people around trying to make friends. No one likes that guy and we all know of at least one.
– Do socialize with people outside of your “team”. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.
– Don’t forget your managers’ names. That could be a disastrous situation. Especially if they’re women.
– Do be prepared to have to work hungover as balls. Can’t just skip and sleep in like you did at school.
– Don’t plan on being productive. As I am writing this, I haven’t gotten on the phone once. Calling people on the phone is 95 percent of my job.
Good luck and God bless..
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