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All the single fellas out there, Merry Christmas and happy holidays. Ladies, feel free to take notes as well. In addition to your diet, you’ve also probably forgotten to decorate your home for Christmas. It’s okay. It’s easy to misremember what time of year it is when all you’ve been doing for the last two weeks is crushing office candy and thinking about how secretly jealous you are of the Boogermobile on Monday Night Football. If you haven’t noticed, it’s the holidays and your place is still sadder than listening to “Christmas Shoes” on repeat while watching “Stepmom.” Let’s walk through this together.
The Christmas candle is almost more important than the Christmas tree itself. I once ruined an entire holiday season because I got a Christmas cookie scented candle instead of the traditional Yankee Candle balsam and cedar (which is the greatest candle scent on the face of the earth). The candle business is a seasonal business. You can’t be rocking the sandalwood and leather scent during the holidays. Throw ‘em all out. You’re rocking fir and cedar-scented bliss from here on out. Also, don’t just go for something called “Christmas Tree.” You gotta class it up. Try something like “Fir and Fig Leaf” or “Winter Cabin.” You don’t want to replace the scent of a real tree with a $35 candle. However, if you do opt for a fake tree, go ahead and get that standard tree scent.
I used to be opposed to fake trees, but real trees are mostly for people with children. A fake tree is easy to manage. Take it out of a box and put it together. Instead of having a dangerous fire hazard in your house for a month, you’ve got a bright green, plastic cheer-maker right there. Plop it in the corner, cover it with lights and some ornaments and boom, you’ve got your life together. Don’t get too carried away with decorating the tree either. A handful of fun little ornaments like your alma mater, Santa drinking a Diet Coke, a commemorative championship ornament for your favorite team and a random snowman. Then cover that bad boy in classy plain white lights and fill the gaps with plain gold, red and green ornaments. Nothing classier than plain gold ornaments. God, you’re so elegant.
Throw some garland and holly around the place. Let me give you a little hint: interior design is all about “pops” these days. Pops of color. Pops of class. Pops of coffee table books about old buildings in New York that you never plan on opening. You’ll need a pop of holiday cheer. Put a wreath on your front door and prepare to astound people with your holiday spirit. Also, be sure to throw on some old school Christmas music (mostly Kenny G’s Christmas albums) on a light volume in the background. You’re on your way to walking in a winter wonderland.
Chili pepper lights. Next question.
You’re probably reading this and looking around a barren apartment wondering where to even start. Christmas is in two weeks and the most cheerful thing in your apartment is a half eaten tin of flavored popcorn that you brought home from the office. You’re really plowing through that thing, aren’t you? Here’s the deal: Go to Target, buy a classy circular wreath for your door (nothing fancy) and some various little things to put around the place. Like a basket full of red and green sparkly balls. I don’t know. Look up some articles on Coastal Living and copy whatever they’re doing. If you put up decorations late, you’re just going to have to keep them up longer. Technically, you’re not supposed to take down Christmas decorations until the Epiphany (January 6). My mother, a dyed-in-the-wool Catholic, would kill me for suggesting otherwise. Maybe err on the side of caution and just keep them up until like February or something or until one of your friends concerningly asks why you still have your Christmas decorations up. Actually, just take them down when you’re hungover on New Year’s Day and get it over with.
Let’s knock out some yuletide decorating this week and post to your Instagram story for the first time in six months. It’s time to show everyone that you have your shit together and can, in fact, welcome people into your home during the most wonderful time of the year. .