The Average Work Week, As Described By Your Diet



This is a brand new week. You’re totally going to start that diet again, AND go to the gym tonight after work. This week won’t be like the other weeks. This salad will be different, because it will have grilled chicken AND a delicious assortment of berries that the Food Network claims “are super filling—you’ll forget that you’re eating healthy!” so you can lie to yourself about how unfulfilling eating a salad is. It’s okay that you finished your “meal” in 8.5 seconds and are still so hungry that your coworkers can hear your stomach grumbling. Your stomach just has to shrink a little bit. You’ll try again tomorrow.



You were so hungry after work yesterday that you skipped the gym so you could go home and force feed yourself a jar of Nutella. Your crash from the sugar high led you to passing out on the couch with slabs of chocolate smeared across your mouth, and when you woke up all you had time to make for lunch was a turkey sandwich with mayonnaise…on wheat. Wheat bread is healthy somehow, right? Whatever. Sandwiches suck. Tuesdays suck. Everything sucks.



“Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike, what day is it?” If you hear one more person from your office quote that Geico hump day commercial, you’re going to lose it. It’s bad enough having to fake-laugh at your boss every time he quotes that commercial, which is every time he passes by your cubicle. You need to get out of the office for lunch. Screw that diet, you’re going to Chili’s with the few coworkers you can tolerate so you can run a train on those chicken fingers.



Remember when Thirsty Thursday was a thing? Now that you’re a postgrad, you don’t get to pretend it’s Friday, cut out early and slam ten beers down your throat so you can walk downtown for the $2 well specials. No, now Thursdays are just another painstaking day until Friday rolls around. You brought another turkey sandwich today, but when your coworker asks if you want to grab some McDonald’s with them you quickly throw it back in the fridge. Let the old HR lady steal it again.



Finally, it’s Friday. If you’re lucky, you might be able to steal away from the office at 4:45 so you can rush to happy hour and forget this week ever happened! But what’s for lunch? You totally messed up your diet this week and now you’re almost broke because you ate out so much. Maybe if you eat a bagel at 11am you can just starve yourself until you get to happy hour. Oh wait, that food truck around the corner has two tacos and a beer for five dollars? Meet you there in ten.

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