The ABC’s Of Visiting Your College Town


The fall semester is underway. College football has kicked off. We are inching closer to Homecoming Weekend, thus inching closer to yet another (or maybe the first!) return back to your college town. Luckily, there’s an alphabet for that. Here’s a simple, 26-character guide to what you can expect when you head back this fall.

Awkward comments: “Hey Joe, when are you going to graduate?” “FUCK YOU.”

Bar. Dollar bottles. Buck-fifty you-call-its. Two dollar Fireball shots. Million dollar hangover.

Couch. Your likely sleeping destination since you can’t afford a hotel.

Drinking. Never show up empty handed.

Elation. Soak it in.

Frustration. It’s over.

Game. Hey, there’s a football game. Scalp a ticket in the young alumni section or sneak in using your old student ID.

Heartbreak. Everything is a memory that you’ll never get back.

Inside Jokes. Yelling “bababooey” at freshmen will never get old.

Jealousy. Make sure you have a fellow alum with you at all times, because you need someone to complain to.

Knowledge. Hand out wisdom and advice like it’s free candy. Even to those who don’t want any from a 23-year-old who still gets paid by the hour.

Little things. Trees. Fences. The way your college town smells. Everything ignites some sort of nostalgia.

Memories. There’s a point in the night when some hardcore reminiscing happens. “Dude, do you remember that night when you drank an entire bottle of Goldschlag-” “WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT NIGHT”

Never wanting to leave. So much so that you were inquiring about bartending jobs when you were blacked out.

OMG. As in, “OMG, I can’t believe you’re gone and I’m a senior. I CAN’T EVEN.” This is the person that always shares that TimeHop app on Facebook/Twitter and goes “IS THIS REAL LIFE?” when they apply for graduation.

Plans. Make them. You will never follow through on these plans, but make them anyway.

Questions. “Should I get my masters?” “Should I find a better job?” “You sure she’s a sophomore?”

Reconnecting. There’s always a friend or two who reappears at homecoming that you haven’t seen in a year.

Sleeping. There will only be a couple hours of this. Regrettably.

Thrusting. Lots of thrusting out of sheer joy.

Understanding. “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” -Dr. Suess

Vacations. When you realize that your trips to your college towns are actually the only vacations you can afford.

Welcome Back! Gotta love how the only thing colleges do is host a couple banners around town going “WELCOME BACK ALUMNI.” Don’t I get free shit for dropping close to six figures in just over four years here? JUST GIVE ME A T-SHIRT OR SOMETHING.

Xanax. You’ll need it for the ride home on Sunday.

You are not the same person. Stop trying to drink like it.

Z is the last letter of the alphabet. Unless you went to Akron. In that case, go Zips.

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I'm that guy who says loud things at the lunch table but speaks louder online.

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