Like many Americans, I’ve just always been fascinated by the British Royal family. I’m not ashamed to admit that I woke up at the ass crack of dawn on a Friday morning my sophomore year of college to watch Prince William and Kate Middleton get married. I’ve poured over countless hours of documentary footage about The Royal Family and their history.
Basically, anything regarding The Royals that I can get my hands on I’ll devour, and this story about Queen Elizabeth II is no exception. But before we get to the main point of this article, I have to touch on this little tidbit which is mentioned at the very beginning of the news piece.
The Queen rules the house with her meal choices, including banning garlic from all meals at Buckingham Palace and refusing to travel without a slice of her favorite cake with her.
Listen, I can relate to this on some level. When I was still a child and my birthday was coming around, my mom would literally make or get me any type of food that I asked for on my special day.
There was a birthday party that I remember vividly – it must have been my seventh or eighth birthday – where I only wanted hamburgers with ketchup served. Do you know what every kid at my birthday party ate? A hamburger with motherfucking ketchup.
My palette has extended far beyond hamburgers with ketchup since that birthday party but that’s not the point. Just imagine if that was your life every day. Butlers and maids waiting on you hand and foot. You’re the Queen of England.
Oh, I’m sorry you like a few garlic sprigs served with your mashed potatoes? Sucks to suck. As long as Queen Elizabeth II is alive and kicking in Buckingham Palace, you’re not getting garlic as a seasoning or decoration.
Absolutely absurd to ban garlic, but also what a fucking power move. The only thing more dominant for a woman of 91 years of age to do is to demand a slice of cake whenever she’s leaving the grounds. But let’s unwrap the real reason this story is making the rounds this morning. Booze, of course.
According to a report by Business Insider, the Queen enjoys not one, not two, not three, but four, yes four cocktails a day.
Just before lunch Queen Elizabeth reportedly has her first cocktail of the day, a gin and Dubonnet with a slice of lemon and a lot of ice, according to Darren McGrady, a former royal chef.
Now, at first glance, you’re probably saying that four drinks a day is downright crazy for the Queen of England. But I don’t think many people realize that she’s 91 years old. Like, yeah, she looks super old but I don’t think there are a lot of people in America who follow the family close enough to know that she’s older than dirt. To the casual observer, I honestly don’t think the Queen looks a day older than 65, maybe 70 years old.
But 91? If she wants four cocktails a day, let her have four cocktails a day. It’s not like she needs to be in the parliament building hobnobbing with elected officials and she sure as shit isn’t in a position where she needs to watch her figure anymore. She’s there to smile and take candid pictures with corgis. At 91, you’re playing with house money. Do whatever the fuck you want. I did, however, think when I read the headline it would be four glasses of champagne or something light like that.
Oh, no. The Queen is drinking heavily. Gin and Dubonnet, you ever heard of it? Dubonnet is an aperitif with 15% alcohol by volume. You mix that shit with gin and a lemon wedge and you have yourself a very strong cocktail.
This is what Queen Elizabeth starts her day with. Before lunch begins. I know Will said it was the summer of Campari-sodas but I think we might need to change it to the summer of gin and Dubonnets. You can’t get any classier than the drink of choice of the Queen of England.
So maybe you’re thinking to yourself that the Queen will have her one gin and Dubonnet before lunch and then call it quits until dinner. I’m afraid you’d be mistaken.
Then, during lunch, McGrady revealed to The Telegraph that the Queen will pair her simple lunch of vegetables and fish with a glass of wine and a piece of chocolate.
Moreover, Margaret Rhodes, the Queen’s cousin, claims that the Queen will also imbibe in a dry gin martini with lunch for good measure.
The Queen then balances out her day during afternoon tea, where she sips on an herbal drink and enjoys another sweet, such as a slice of pie or chocolate biscuit cake.
At this point, I have to assume that the Queen of England has a bit of a drinking problem. Before I began reading this article, I thought they were going to give me some heavily edited public relations-y article about how the Queen will enjoy a splash of champagne with her grapefruit juice mid-morning and then somehow equate that to being a four drink a day habit.
But what I’m reading here is that Queen Elizabeth II is getting annihilated day in and day out. Just tying one on at lunch day in and day out. She follows a gin and Dubbonet with a glass of white wine. After that? A dry gin martini. Do you know what happens to me when I drink a gin martini? I start singing “Piano Man” by Billy Joel and telling people I once blew an audition to be in Home Alone 3. Sidenote: The Home Alone 3 audition really did happen but that’s a story for another day. In short, I am moderately drunk after a dry gin martini. Queen Elizabeth scoffs at mortals like me.
The Queen ends her day with a light dinner and follows a “no starch” rule if she’s dining alone, according to McGrady. She then finishes it all off with an elegant glass of champagne before heading off to bed.
I can see Queen Elizabeth rolling into breakfast about an hour after everyone else at Buckingham Palace following a long day of drinking cocktails and not eating starch.
“Yeah, sorry I fell asleep on the couch last night for a few hours,” the Queen says nonchalantly.
“Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?” Prince William says in a joking, slightly concerned tone.
I think I’m going to ask a question that is on everyone’s mind at this point in the article. How is the Queen still standing up straight speaking coherently by dinner every night? Finishing off her dinner with “an elegant glass of champagne?”
Are we sure the Queen isn’t doing champagne campaigns with members of parliament after dinner? This woman is, as the kids in the UK would say, absolutely mental. If this is her routine now I’d love to hear a biographer speak on her drinking habits when she wasn’t senile. I mean imagine what she must have been like at 70 twenty years ago. All signs point to The Queen being able to drink everyone under the goddamn table. .
[via Food and Wine]
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