The 9 Most Important Categories In Billy Madison’s Academic Decathlon

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While looking back on Adam Sandler’s crown jewel, Billy Madison, it’s clear that the Academic Decathlon was a turning point in the movie. Without it, Eric would have very likely assumed control of Madison Hotels and put the lives of thousands of hardworking employees at risk. As for Billy? I think it’s safe to say that his life would have spiraled even further out of control, eventually ending after multiple trips to rehab for prescription drug addiction.

Thank God that’s not what happened, though. In what many consider to be one of the most compelling endings in mid-nineties American cinema, Billy skillfully navigates his way through the Academic Decathlon and assumes control of Madison Hotels. Here are the 9 most important categories.

1. My Wife Is Common Street Trash

The undisputed number one. I’ve had a lot of conversations with experts regarding why neither Billy nor Eric chose this category, and it seems that there’s no general consensus. Also, can we please bring back calling people street trash? I get that “lady of the night” is more P.C., but let’s call a spade a spade here. Street trash is street trash.

2. Business Ethics

I like to say that business is a sport. Like any sport, there are moral principles that govern the game both written and unwritten. Never tackle a man out of bounds. Don’t show-up an opposing pitcher. Never Cc your manager when addressing a mistake made by a peer. And never dip your pen in the company ink. We know from seeing Eric’s nefarious exploits that he clearly lacks proper training in this realm, and Billy took advantage of that which ultimately paid off. Great going, Billy.

3. My Wife, The Tramp

Let’s address the elephant in the room: the guy’s wife was a tramp. Why neither Billy nor Eric chose to opine on this issue is beyond me, but I’ve never been very fond of tramps, to be honest. It would have been nice to see someone’s tramp-like behavior discussed on a large-scale platform such as Knibb High. At the risk of Monday morning quarterbacking Billy’s performance, I would have like to have seen Eric address this issue.

4. Needlepoint

Maybe we should just talk about it: the world lacks handmade quality shit. These days, everything is stitched together by some high-tech machine that operates on a fancy battery or through some bougie electrical outlet. Do they even teach needlepoint in school anymore? I see people complaining about common core, but why is no one addressing this? Shame.

5. Architecture

Whatever happened to designing dope buildings? Maybe it’s just me, but it sure does seem like buildings haven’t really changed a lot in the last fifty years. Seems like this country has put rad-ass buildings on the back burner while devoting way too much time to healthcare and jobs. Answer me this: how can you have more jobs without more buildings? Just my opinion, though…

6. Burning Dog Poo & The Human Response

Tough to argue this one. We can all agree that the public school system fails our youth in many ways, but the most egregious oversight may be the human condition. Based on my experience, the true measure of a man is how he reacts to a flaming bag of dog poo being placed on his doorstep. Think about it for a second – you open the door, see flames, and your primitive instinct is telling you to either stomp it out, or roast the carcass of a small animal over it so that your starving family may feed. It says a lot about a person if they can rationalize the situation and recognize that the contents of that flaming bag might be poo.

7. U.S. Presidents

Truth: Citing random fun facts is an excellent way to crush at a cocktail party. I’m not going to tell tales out of school, but I know for a fact that many a lady has been wooed by lesser known facts about our former commanders-in-chief.

8. Reflections Of Society In Literature

It has been said that literature is the mirror of society. As we know, Billy cited “The Puppy Who Lost His Way” to demonstrate how the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel. Insanely idiotic? Maybe to some, but I’ve often said that Billy deserved more credit for putting an answer together on the spot. Was it a home run? Surely not. But did he put the bat on the ball? I sure think so.

9. My Spouse Is Sleeping Around

Maybe I’m a pessimist, but I feel like this country has lost its moral compass. Doesn’t seem like it was that long ago when we were publicly shaming all the Runaround Sues and rambling men gallivanting around town. Name names. Call someone out. Missed opportunity here.

I know many of you may disagree, and I welcome the constructive criticism. The important thing is that we keep it civil and ensure that all points of view are heard..

Image via YouTube

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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