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Your body begins aging at 24. That’s a scientific fact. However, it seems as if the moment you step off your college campus, your body begins to age rapidly, just like when Moonlight Graham stepped off the field in “Field of Dreams” and became an old man, because of baseball magic. You’re tired all the time, you start losing your hair or it starts turning gray, and worst of all, your hangovers become daylong hellscapes that cause you to abandon all hope for a brighter future.
Shower And Go
Generally the weakest of hangovers. It comes after three to five drinks the night before. You wake up and realize you reek of alcohol and cigarettes, but this is manageable. You take a quick chug of water, a couple Advil, and a long shower to wash away the filth that somehow collected on your body. You’ll be fine in a couple hours. It was all worth it for the smooth buzz you rocked last night.
Sunglasses And Move
A great man once said, “Today’s a ‘put the sunglasses on and keep moving’ kind of day.” That man was right. This is another manageable hangover, which can be cured by Bloody Marys, margs, and a big plate of nachos. Your hangover the next day will be twice as worse, but you’re in a jovial mood because you’ve found yourself in that magical, in-between time of drunk and hungover. You can face the world and everything will be okay after a little bit of the sacrament.
Are you in your death throes? Not quite, but you’re still hurting. Typically reserved for Sundays, the Horizontal Hangover is a favorite pastime of mine–it’s a completely valid excuse to be irreprehensibly lazy. Your friends saw how drunk you were last night, so it’s understandable that you need a day of R&R. Netflix is going to keep asking you if you’re still watching and your mother is going to call to see if you’re okay. There are naps and a Domino’s order on the docket, and you will go from bed to couch and back to bed. You probably won’t shower.
Never Drinking Again
This is the dumbest of all hangovers. Of course you’ll drink again–you just want everyone to know you’re hungover. You need sympathy, but you’ll get none. You were the one who ordered those last two rounds of Rumple Minze. You will refuse to check your bank account or the pockets of your pants from the night before.
You’re going to show up to brunch in gym shorts, an oversized T-shirt, and Crocs. You are in such a deep mode of DGAF that the judging eyes of the world cannot penetrate your spirit. You’ve fully embraced your hangover and are actually enjoying it. You spent a responsible amount of money and the night was a success.
You blacked out. You have no recollection of your behavior from the night before and no one is returning your texts. Your world is spinning out of control, and while your headache is gone, you might be dying. You’ve WebMDed your symptoms and the Internet has diagnosed you with cancer. You’re going to die broke and alone, on the floor of your apartment.
You’ll try to fight it as much as you can, but this hangover cannot be vanquished. You’ll eat an entire bottle of Walgreen’s-brand Ibuprofen and drink two bottles of coconut water, but this thing just won’t kick. You can’t sleep despite being deathly tired and you won’t be able to focus on anything. Your body is broken and may never be the same. This will ultimately lead to…
The 48-Hour Hangover
It’s real, kids. So very real. The hangover from your hangover. It’s not your typical hangover. It’s a cruel mix of dehydration and withdrawal. You took care of yourself yesterday, but this is just flat out unavoidable. You’re paying the price in the worst way, and there’s seemingly no end in sight. This always happens on Monday. You’ll have the shakes, anxiety, and all you’ll want to do is crawl back into bed all day. Joke’s on you, though. You won’t be able to fall asleep. Time is a flat circle.