The 8 Presidential Debate Moderators We Needed This Election Cycle

The 8 Presidential Debate Moderators We Needed This Election Cycle

Election 2016. We’ve already seen two debates. And today, after work, many Americans will head to the liquor store in preparation for the third and final debate in what has been a historically abysmal election.

However, the American people don’t just seem to be dissatisfied with the candidates. Many people have scrutinized the debate moderators as well. Lester Holt caught flack for letting the first debate unravel by not keeping candidates in check. In the second debate, some people complained about what they perceived to be bias from the moderators, and yet again letting the candidates devolve into chaos with interruptions and candidates skirting around questions.

Tonight, the daunting task will go to Fox News anchor Chris Wallace. But what if we had another option? What if we could choose someone else to take charge of that grand stage and make sure that the undecided American voters, like debate legend Ken Bone, get the answers they need to hear in order to determine who will win their votes. Here are some of the options America could use tonight in our search for a #BetterDebateModerator.

Samuel L. Jackson

One of the biggest issues with the debates this year has been the lack of a direct answer from a candidate when asked a question. This is where my man Samuel L. Jackson would shine. Just check him out in this short clip asking a potential candidate about Marsellus Wallace.

I’d be a liar if I said, “Say ISIS one more time, motherfucker! I DARE YOU” wouldn’t be an amazing soundbite.

Tony Reali with his complete Around The Horn setup

Can we seriously try this during election 2020? This is one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard. Each candidate in their respective square debating the facts. I’m just mad that fellow contributor @ArrowZeppelin thought of it first.

James Downey from Billy Madison

We can simply change the whole debate format to a winner take all academic decathlon. Candidates would answer questions based on categories like My Spouse Is Sleeping Around, Burning Dog Poo & The Human Response, and Business Ethics. Although when you think about it, isn’t that what the majority of this election has been about?

And, of course, if we got any less than stellar responses you know you’d hear this.

Or did Anderson Cooper already say that last week?

Eleven from Stranger Things

Just try interrupting Eleven. I dare you. Keep in mind this is also the same girl who can literally break someone’s arm with her freaking mind, so if any candidates tried to talk out of turn, she’d just use her telekinesis to pause them in their tracks. Although the debate may end early strictly due to the loss of blood from her nose bleeding profusely because she has to use her powers so damn much.

Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman has been effectively explaining complex subjects to the masses for years. He explained the complexities and potential of the human mind in Lucy, How artificial intelligence is dangerous in Artificial Intelligence, and complex Quantum Mechanics in Through The Wormhole. So it only behooves me to assume that he would clearly be able to convey the questions to the candidates and explain whatever bullshit is spewed out by the candidates.

Dr. George Huang from Law and Order

Dr. Huang is an FBI criminal profiler and forensic psychiatrist from the popular show SVU. And although soft-spoken, his ability to understand and predict the actions of suspect, or candidate, would be refreshing. His psychiatric know-how will also be able to help determine when candidates are blatantly lying or diverting.

I also think Huang interviewing Trump about that whole pussy grabbing fiasco would be an interesting SVU episode.

Matthew McConaughey

For the sake of content, I can only hope the dialogue would go something like this…

McConaughey: “Say man, you got a joint? Also, how do you feel about legalizing recreational marijuana?”

Candidate: “I think more research is needed before we legalize any drugs, and no, I do not have a joint.”

McConaughey: “It’d be a lot cooler if you did. Alright, alright, alright.”

Chad from The Bachelorette

I know nothing about “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” so this is strictly a recommendation from the expert @CrickWatsonMD who brings us the popular “Dude’s Breakdown.” His thoughts:

“Chad gives absolutely no fucks. The train of Donald’s rambling thoughts can be derailed by the sheer mass of Chad’s narcissistic willpower. I’d imagine his first question would go something like this:

There’s a silence as chad crushes the last few slices of turkey on the deli plate he requested. Once the the bit is gone, he clears his throat. “Mr. Trump, tell us about the best pussy you ever grabbed,” Chad asked as he gazed longingly at the mound of roast beef remaining on the deli tray. Trump evades the question, and Hillary responds with a metered answer about sexual assault prevention. As she wraps up her remarks, Chad stares directly into the camera. “She wants the D.” He cocks his head and throws a wink at Bill, who gives him a thumbs up. “And fuck you Chris Harrison!” he yells, taking his deli plate and marching off the stage.”

What I took from this? Chad is a savage.

Hopefully, one of these moderators will be in the running for the first debate of 2020, but until then, we’ll just have to make due with what we’ve got.

Be sure to tune in tonight for the third debate, and let us know on twitter, who you think would make a #BetterDebateModerator.

Image via YouTube

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Same old Shibbster. Founder of #MargLife and the blumpkin beer craze.

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