The 8 Great Snapchat Crimes

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1. The Cat Snap

Nobody wants to see your sneaky, hissing cat scratch at a ball on your uncle’s lap during Thanksgiving. Your animal is special to you, but not to anybody else.

2. The “My Friday Night” Snap

This is the blood-curdling caption you will see on a Friday night from somebody who wants to broadcast to the entire universe that he or she is taking it easy and staying in. This person will be in a relaxed, semi-seductive position on his or her couch or bed with a home-cooked meal and a glass of red wine. You will also usually find some sort of novel peaking through at the top left corner of the table, and maybe even the Netlifx home screen in the background. This person might even include a “0 MPH” to emphasize the fact that he or she isn’t moving. Primarily, this snap crime is committed by females, as it might even be a subliminal message to come over. If you ever get this snap from a guy, text him congratulations for coming out.

3. The Concert Snap

Nobody wants to see a poor sounding, blurry video of you hopping around the mosh-pit of Afrojack at some shit club in H-wood on a Thursday night. Unless Drake’s balls are being dragged across your face, we can all do without these.

4. The “You’re Not Even My Friend” Snap

Somehow this person who you probably wouldn’t even say hi to in public has continued to snap you for more than a year. You can probably name his or her entire extended family from the two-minute-long story that you watched last Hannukah. You have never responded and you never will. At least next time you see this person, you can strike up a conversation about how this one app has made you legitimately hate him or her.

5. The Crap Snap

Nobody wants to see you on the toilet and NOBODY wants to see what is in it. These snaps are absolutely mortifying: “Oh look, I got a snapchat from Larry! Oh look, it’s a couple twisted logs of shit!” Please end this. No picture needed.

6. The Sunset Snap

Save the scenery for Instagram. This is really not a crime at all–I just needed to fill up eight spots. But still, nobody really wants to see it.

7. The “This Isn’t For You” Snap

This is a snap from a group of girls who only snapped you because they want to show that they are going out. One of the girls in the group wants to hook up with your friend, so instead of texting him directly, she and her friends snapped you so you could tell your friend that she is going out.

8. The Happy Hour Snap

People don’t want to see other people having fun when they’re not. How is everyone always at happy hour, and how are people best friends with all their coworkers? This might come along with the caption, “So it begins.”

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