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Little white lies have been a societal norm for years. Their primary purpose is to avoid fighting and hurting feelings. Both men and women are guilty of telling little white lies, and conversation has become so sugarcoated that pretty soon, we’ll all have type 2 diabetes.
That said, I’ve found that women, generally, are far more conscious of other people’s feelings than men. Therefore, women have perfected little, white, sugarcoated lies to an art. Whether they’re paying fake compliments to a significant other in the bedroom or just trying to tread water in an unwanted conversation, women will commonly use these following white lies.
“You’re the first guy I’ve ever done this with.”
If she says it, she’s done it. It could be sex on the first date. It could be a public sex act. It could even be butt stuff. Don’t buy it. The fact that she had to say it tells you she’s done it at least once before, but she doesn’t want you to think she’s a skank.
“You’re definitely the biggest I’ve ever had.”
You might be in her top five. I can respect the ego stroke pep talk, but don’t let it get to your head. The hyperbole gives it away, so just blissfully, ignorantly enjoy the moment. If you’re truly curious about where your battering ram stands, there’s an app for that.
If she had finished, you’d have known. Once again, if she had to say it, it’s most likely untrue. I’ve never encountered a girl who had an undetectable orgasm. There are always physical signs, and not the kind that deserve Emmys. If she has to fake it, give her another round, champ.
“I’ll be ready in 15 minutes.”
She’ll say this when she needs another 30 to 45 minutes to get ready. She’s stalling you. She assumes you’ll head over to pick her up in 15 minutes, arrive after another 15 minutes, and then wait around for another 15 minutes so she can double check everything. It’s annoying, but at least she’s putting in the effort.
“I love your family!”
No. She’s praying that you aren’t attracted to her because she reminds you of your mother. She’s having second thoughts–although, I suppose it’s not as scary as her becoming best friends with your mom. That is truly terrifying.
Always in text form, “haha” does not mean she’s laughing. She’s avoiding the awkward silence after a shitty joke. The chance of her actually laughing is directly proportional to how many “ha”s she uses in a row. If she texts you, “hahahahahaha,” you’re probably in good shape, you funny motherfucker, you.
“I’m not mad.”
This is the most common female white lie. If she says this, you are likely in deep shit and you had better figure out what she wants. Good luck with that. You had to ask, so that was the first sign something was wrong. Now you have to come up with the right apology and corrective action to get out of the doghouse. Flowers and jewelry don’t get you out of the doghouse by default, so save your money. You either have to find out why she is upset or take the less painful option: jump headfirst off a bridge.