You might be ready to spend the rest of your life with someone, but are you ready to deal with that person’s mother?
1. The Evil Stepmother
There’s an awkwardness that inherently follows this woman. Shit went down in the family, dad re-married, and everyone hates anything to do with her. Of course, you’ll have to pretend to like this woman and then you’ll have to talk trash about her behind her back. You don’t want to truly befriend this devil woman (even if she is kind of nice) because it will come back to haunt you later on. After all, you can’t let that whore/backstabbing bitch/whatever real mom likes to call her win in the game of “which mom is better,” because that would be a travesty.
2. The Recent Divorcée
This mom likes to go out a lot — maybe even more than her kids. She drinks
a tad way more than the typical glass of chardonnay on a Saturday night, and her recent breakup mixed with flooding menopausal hormones has created a whirlwind of emotions bursting from inside her. Your young love is just a reminder of everything she used to have and how much she really needs a boob job.
3. The Old-Fashioned Jesus Freak
This lady will not let you sleep in the same room until after you’re married, and even then, it still makes her a little uneasy. She’s constantly working “the good Lord” into your conversations and trying to spread the gospel to “a lost sheep like yourself.” Every Sunday, you’ll find her praying solemnly in a church pew followed by a rousing afternoon with her knitting circle.
4. The Workaholic
She’s a wannabe Sheryl Sandberg in every way possible. Her serious, cutthroat demeanor is actually quite frightening, but the way she tries to keep up with technology provides just enough comic relief to keep you from shitting your pants. She’s a bit of a control freak, and you’ll probably have to offend her a few times before the ceremony is planned, because dammit, woman, it’s our wedding, not yours.
5. Mother Nature
In recent years, she’s gone gluten-free, dairy-free, all-natural, certified USDA organic, and, to sum it all up, batshit crazy. Since she started watching “Dr. Oz,” she stopped wearing deodorant, has a garden full of questionable herbs, and is always brewing weird concoctions in mason jars all over the kitchen. Every time you visit the in-laws, there will be another natural solution to a new problem she thinks she has. To top it all off, she might even start her own “legalize it” campaign for your state.
6. The Empty Nester
All her little babies grew up and flew the coop. She appreciates all the new free time with Dad, but she can’t seem to understand why he spends all day in the garage. She sends so many care packages that she and the FedEx lady do lunch on Wednesdays, and she calls three times a day to pry about when you’ll finally give her some grandbabies and move back home, as if you actually plan on doing so.
7. The Perfect Nana
She is the sweetest woman you will ever meet and the picture-perfect grandma for your future children. Everything she makes tastes amazing, she’s never overbearing, and she always has the cutest response to anything you ever say. You could just pick her up and give her a big kiss for making the rest of your life a fucking dream come true..