As a born and bred introvert (my parents are both introverts, I’m not currently breeding, just to clear that up), going to parties usually cause me at least some level of anxiety. It’s not that I don’t enjoy a good social gathering or like drinking an $8 Pinot Grigio out of a plastic souvenir cup from Wurstfest. I’m usually pretty open to the idea, assuming I get at least 48 hours advanced noticed and that there will be snacks served upon my arrival.
But while I’m fine with the forced small talk, mediocre alcohol, and inevitable hangover the next day, I do have a fool-proof system of making it out alive. I always bring a friend or sexual partner with me, I make sure to have something planned (whether real or fake) for the next day so I have the option of making an early exit, and I have a list of people I avoid so that the evening isn’t a total bust. These seven monsters are the soul-crushing reason that we occasionally dread parties. So, basically, you have two options: Avoid them at all costs or avoid any and all social gatherings for the rest of your life. The choice is yours.
The “Take Another Shot” Guy
He’s the guy who was on one episode of MTV’s Room Raiders back in 2005 and that’s all he ever wants to remind people of. His loud voice and large gut give off an air of confidence, but with every forced joke and proclamation of, “you just don’t have a good sense of humor,” it’s obvious he’s drowning his insecurities in alcohol. And while he’s at it, he wants to drown you in it too. Warm whiskey and straight tequila shots will be thrust in your hand until you say that you’ve had enough and walk away while the taunts of being a pussy follow you across the room.
You just went on your first trip to Paris? She’s been summering there every year since she was 15. Your new puppy is a rescue? Her mean, 11-year-old cat who was on death row is one too. Your grandmother just passed away from cancer? Her entire family died of cancer, bitch. Whatever it is, this person is always happy to listen to your story, then tell you in great detail just how much better, harder, or sadder their own, semi-related situation is. You’d love to stay and chat with her except wait, no you wouldn’t because she fucking sucks.
This is the friend who always wants to know why you haven’t hung out in foreverrrrrrrrr. Nevermind the fact that you both have soul-sucking jobs where you barely make enough to feed yourselves, that the sheer thought of going out on Monday-Thursday makes you break out in hives, or that if Myspace top 8s were still around, he or she wouldn’t be on the list. Why haven’t you hung out in forever? Because you’re busy and if we’re being honest they’re a “group” friend, not a one-on-one friend. The worst part is, they usually pull out their phone and ask what day works best for you so they can “send you an event invite.” *shudders.*
The All Work And No Play
This is the person who makes going to a party feel like you’re walking into a meeting. They’ll ask you about your sales stats. They’ll discuss new products and “exciting” new innovations at their company. And they’ll suggest touching base sometime next week to go over possible improvements to your resume. If you get sucked into a conversation with them, you’ll walk away feeling like a lazy, unmotivated millennial. Which is what you are, of course, but still.
The One Who’s Obsessed With Youtube
Wait, have you seen the video of the baby pretending to be a dog? How about the one of the dog pretending to be a baby? No? Well, you’re fucking about to, as well as 45 more minutes of crappy viral videos that all circulated on Facebook a good 2+ months ago. Get sucked into this guy’s corner and you’ll be forced to shoot “someone come save me” looks at everyone who passes by. Don’t worry, though. He won’t notice your anguish. He’s too busy looking for that hilarious video of the dog that’s walking on its hind legs.
That One Couple
Unless you’re hanging out with a couple who acts like they’re not a couple, getting roped in with these guys is probably insufferable. Whether they’re the duo that shoots longing glances at each other all night and ends up fucking in the pool, or they’re the ones who should have broken up in college but both got too fat to end it and leave a trail of petty arguments and bitterness everywhere they go, they’re probably the worst. Shoot them a quick wave, make the “I have to go to the bathroom” face, and wait until they move to a different room before emerging. Getting tangled up with them is a sure way to start, and end, the night in a miserable fashion.
The One Who Won’t Let Me Leave
This person is the reason Irish Exits exist. No matter how big a show you put on of looking at your phone, proclaiming that you have to wake up at a decent time to let your dog out and play with you dick, they still won’t accept that as an answer. If it’s before 2 a.m., you’re going to have to stick around with a warm beer in your hand just to make them happy. Steer clear of them as the night winds down, and when they text you the next day asking what happened, just say you were so drunk and you have no idea. Meaning, of course, that you left at midnight without saying bye to anyone, hit up Taco Bell, and stayed up until 3 a.m. sitting on your couch, getting high, and eating Crunch Wrap Supremes. Same thing, really..
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