7 Keys To Dominating Law School Finals

November means that finals are just around the corner, and if you’re a law student, you’re probably dealing with try-hards letting everyone know how much they’ve been studying. Don’t let them get you down. You got this. Here are the dos and don’ts to get you going down the right path.




Study the really comprehensive one you made yourself. Oh, you didn’t make your own? Ohhh, you started to make one, but then you got way too caught up with your memo? Then you got sick? Okay, there are still options here. Throw together a word document with some notes and case names and type “Outline” at the top. Bold that shit. Center it. There you go. You’ve got an outline. Now you look like you’ve got your shit together, and you won’t come off as a complete mooch when you ask someone to “compare” outlines.


Don’t be the shameless SOB posting Facebook statuses requesting outlines. There’s really no coming back from that. You’ll forever be the outline charity case.




Go to class. Unless you’re the turd that burned every absence within the first month of class, you may be tempted to skip. I’m here to tell you that professors take note of people blowing off class, and they love putting shit from those days on finals. They take it personally. It’s like locker room material for intellectuals.


Don’t worry about getting called on. It’s November. People still prepping for class like it’s week 2 are the worst. Sure, you may get called on, and you’ll probably lay a huge steamer in front of everyone, but who cares? Half the class isn’t even there, and the other half is too busy posting statuses about how much they’re studying to notice.




Tread lightly. It’s distraction city. Your buddy with the absurdly undeserved landman gig will be posting pics from the golf course at 1pm on a Friday while you’re getting DP’d by Civ Pro and Torts.


Do not “check into” the law library. Never acceptable. If someone in your study group checks you, immediately shut your laptop and exit the library. Throw a crotch chop on the way out. It’s time to find a new study group, or just lone wolf it.




Have at least one full month’s worth of Addy, Vyvyance, Concerta, Claritin-D, or whatever your amphetamine of choice is. Why? Because you’re worthless without it. You relied on it in undergrad, and without it, you’re a scared little designer dog trying to fend for itself in the wild. Also, you’re gonna need a few extras to toss out to your completely worthless unprepared study partner who failed to take this column seriously. Oh, don’t actually do this because it’s illegal, and you’ll have to explain it to the bar examiners.


Don’t wait until the last minute. You’ve got enough going on. The last thing you need to be doing is begging your doctor to write you up another script, and you definitely don’t want to be the sketch ball asking randoms in the library for pills.




Go out for a few drinks. You need to relax at some point, and that means crushing some piping hot skillet queso (skill-que), and washing it down with a house marg is perfectly acceptable.


“Go out for a few drinks.” You know exactly what I’m talking about. You think you’ve earned a little break since you put in a solid two hours on a Saturday. Maybe you’ll have a couple beers and go over your outline. Nope. Next thing you know you’re grinding a random at an undergrad bar while telling her that you’re in law school. She’s not impressed, and you won’t be studying shit on Sunday. Beep beep, here comes the shitmobile.

Going Into the Final



Keep to yourself. Convince yourself that you know this shit even if you don’t. You’ll cringe when you the test proctor prickishly says, “If you don’t know it by now, you never will.” Yeah, turns out this guy is right. Save the cramming for the after party. Heh.


Do not approach classmates and ask them about intermediate scrutiny 12 minutes before the final. Everyone is already feeling awful, and you just somehow made it worse. You dick, you.

Walking Out of the Final



Leave immediately. Ignore everyone. Don’t tell anyone what you thought of the final. Get in your car. Go to Popeye’s and get a three-piece. Order it spicy. Go home. Eat chicken and drink booze. Take a dump. Go off the grid.


Do not go to dinner with classmates. You’ll talk about the final even though you were warned not to talk about the final. You’ll realize you failed to identify a trespass or something, and you’ll worry about it for the next six weeks.

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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