The 7 Guys You’ll Golf With This Spring


In my opinion, joining a golf league is one of the most “postgrad” things guys our age can do. The types of leagues can range from a laid back, excuse to get drunk kind of league to a highly competitive league where hundreds of dollars exchange hands every other hole. It really doesn’t matter what type of league you join, because you will probably encounter many of the same people no matter what. That is, unless you’re some kind of dipshit who doesn’t like the greatest game known to man.

The Hammered Guy

Hank hates his girlfriend (or wife), his job, and just about every other important aspect of his life, but boy does he love the few hours each week he gets to grab a few too many beers and hit the links. He doesn’t give a shit about his handicap or who he’s playing that particular week. He only cares about two things: getting idiotically, pissing-his-pants hammered, and crushing the ball off the tee. You’ll probably beat Hank by 12 strokes in nine holes, but he won’t let you forget how he drove it 50 yards past you back on number three as he slugs down his fourteenth Bud Light. Guys like this are an absolute riot to tee it up with.

The Amateur

“What is this, fuckin’ amateur hour?” is a phrase this guy will drop several times per round. To put it somewhat nicely, he’s awful. The 12-year-old on the range could mop the floor with him. Sure, he just started golfing last year, but his swing looks like he has a legitimate physical handicap. The amateur may bury his wedge in the fairway after chunking his third straight chip from inside 20 yards. Don’t pick this guy up as your partner or you will be miserable watching him top ball after ball up and down the course.

The Guy Who’s Way Too Good To Play With You

He’s a tremendous ball striker. The guy can flat out golf the ball. After every round, everyone in the clubhouse asks him what he shot in hopes of hearing of a new course record. This guy is a legend around the different leagues. People love playing with him because while he completely beats their asses like they stole something, he brings out the best in other golfers, and everyone usually puts up one of his best scores of the year against him.

The Shit-Talker

If you play this guy in your match today, you will probably wake up to a “you’re going down tonight, bitch” text or something to that effect. He’s not the best player, but he wins his matches by getting inside his opponent’s head. The shit-talking will continue throughout the day, onto the driving range, and it will be in full force by the time you tee it up on number one. If you’re a decent player, then you love playing the shit-talker because you know his antagonizing is only going to improve the way you play.

The Alternate

Your partner’s going out of town next week? Better find the substitute sheet and call someone up so you don’t have to forfeit your points. There is a reason nobody wants to be this guy’s partner, leaving him as a worthless sub. He will always show up a half hour late, making you the last group off the tee. When he does finally arrive, he mentions to you that he only has one golf ball in his bag and that he left his putter at home. He will cause you to be miserable, as you will have to share all your equipment with him. You’re better off finding one of your friends who is terrible at golf–you’ll have a better time with your friend than a sub.

The Underdressed Asshole

This guy wouldn’t know a quality golf course if it hit him like an out of control golf cart driven by the drunkest guy on the course. His attire usually consists of some form of denim, a collarless shirt, dirty tennis shoes and a worn out ballcap. He plays at the local municipal course once every two months and has an atrocious swing. His clubs are the ones he’s used since high school. He even uses a wooden driver. He refuses to practice proper golf etiquette and will step in your line at least twice each round. You would rather not play than be seen in the same tee box with this idiot.

The Gambler

Wolf, two-downs, scratch play: you name it. The gambler has played it. A few years of sandbagging have led to this golfer being considerably better than his handicap indicates, so be careful getting into a high stakes game with him. He’s the same guy who opens up the poker chip case when everyone is back in the clubhouse. Matches against the gambler are always fun because he always introduces you to a new game and new way to keep score.

Golf league is a great way to make professional connections, blow off a little steam, and maybe make a little money if you’re any good. Dust off the old sticks and sign up with your buddy before you get stuck being a sub.

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Getting there in two, doubling down, and drinking it straight. Scared money don't make money. I grow a beard, play golf and drink Miller Lite better than most guys I know. It may not be much, but it's gotta count for something, right?

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