You would think after knowing your best friend for years, so many meaningful memories and special moments would flood your thoughts. But in all honesty, all you can think is, “Holy shit, I’m standing in front of how many people giving a speech?”
There are various stages you’ll experience while writing a Maid of Honor speech. Be prepared: Your liver will hate you.
Stage 1: Optimism to realism.
“How am I supposed to start this? Am I supposed to start this with a joke? Are bridesmaids allowed to be funny? You know what, I’ll just get a drink and maybe be inspired.” Two drinks in, and you are browsing the internet seeing if you can find the perfect sweater for sweater weather instead of writing your speech. Shit. Another drink makes you start reminiscing. Well, at least that is somewhat productive. You start jotting down some notes about the douchebags she used to date, wondering if it is okay to mention how much you hated the guy who cheated on her in your speech since he will be in attendance at the wedding. “Scratch that. Fuck. I’ll try again tomorrow when I am sober. Yesss, that sweater would look great with my boots!” Add to cart.
Stage 2: Denial.
As you sit and stare at the blank Word document, you think to yourself, “Let’s see what Google has to say about this”. Great thought! Up pop endless choices of websites to visit and books you can buy. After you peruse through a few options looking at what each one has to say, you see, “For $19.95 I can write your speech for you.” Wow. “I am not that desperate… yet,” you think to yourself. Key word: yet.
As you continue to sift through the many websites, you see there is a common theme of “don’ts”. The three don’ts entail: (a) don’t talk too much. I certainly do not want to be the girl that goes on for an hour talking about how I stole her middle school boyfriend, who dumped her by calling her an ugly squirrel to be with me. It didn’t work out since he lost his luster when he became single. Plus, he is now gay so I did save her from that heartache. (b) Don’t be too embarrassing. So I shouldn’t mention the time she went to pee in the alleyway after walking home from the bar, but as soon as she dropped trou the lights came one and someone started screaming at her and she promptly fell on her ass and pee’d herself? Noted. (c) Don’t mention exes. Well shit. Again, I will be unable to mention how she threw a hot Starbucks latte on her ex when she saw him kissing a girl goodbye in public while they were still together. It was a classic moment. “Maybe I should start doing shots. I have a week anyways,” you announce to no one in particular as you go and fetch your bottle of tequila.
Stage 3: Drinks.
Just when you think there is no hope, you find wine. Going back to the first night you started writing this speech, you were able to start remembering stories after a few drinks. There, my friend, is your answer. Drinks! “Sometimes it feels like I am having a staring contest with the bottom of my glass and I win every time I fill it back up again,” you say to your friend (who has yet again zoned you out) after your third glass. Right about now, you are two days away from the wedding, and you maybe have half of a paragraph written. You found a rather useful website that said to talk about the bride, the groom, and them as a couple. BOOM. Fantastic way to structure your speech! And your off… calling an Uber so you can go to the bar to celebrate what you have done!
Stage 4: Panic.
Stages 1-3 have done absolutely nothing for you. You found a quote you like about drinking and it somehow fits in with the bullshit you’re throwing into this speech. “No one remembers these things, right? Does it really matter what I say?” You turn to your boyfriend and shake him awake for the 9th time that night. “Okay, one last time. I am going to read the whole thing okay? Bear with me … this sounds good, right?” He nods and turns back over. “It’s okay,” you try to convince yourself as you fall asleep at 3 a.m. knowing full well you have to be up at 6 a.m. to do hair and make-up.
Stage 5: Wedding.
Well, the make-up artist wasn’t that bitchy this morning when she said your only flaw were the dark circles under your eyes that reminded her of the child from The Grudge. Awesome. The ceremony has ended, wedding party has been announced, and now it’s time for the speeches. First, her father. He starts calling out random people to stand up to thank them. At least yours is a little more structured than that! Bridesmaid goes second and talks about growing up together and their fears about love. Ahhh, adorbs. Your turn. You’ve only had two LIT’s with no food. “This will be golden,” you whisper to your boyfriend as he helps you stand. You start talking and all that runs through your mind is, “Don’t fall. Don’t fall. For the love of God. Don’t fucking fall. Fuck. What was my speech again?”
Stage 6: Aftermath
People laughed. You cried. It’s over. You ended on a great quote by the awesome Denzel Washington: “Never hold back. Give everything you got. And when you fall throughout life, and maybe even tonight after too many glasses of champagne, fall forward.”
“Words to live by,” you reassure yourself until you fall on your ass after being spun around only to have everyone see your spanx when you try to get up. Time to tip the bartender a $20 and get another LIT. The night is young. .
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