The 6 Stages Of Moving Back Home


Congratulations, you’ve graduated. Having no other options, you’ve returned to that place of ex-girlfriends past and recreational sports glory: your hometown. While moving back in with your parents is surely the most disturbing thing on your mind, let me assure you that after you get over this speed bump, remaining in your hometown will quickly become the primary cause for concern in your life. Here’s why:

Over the past four years, you haven’t spent more than three months at a time back home. Maybe you even stayed to study or work at college all four summers. No matter. Once you return home “for good,” you will go through all 6 of these stages…

1. Awesomeness

You’ve never gotten to go to the bars at home before! This is awesome, let’s rage! Let’s get yammed four nights a week! At first, your friends will be totally down to maintain the collegiate pace which has befit all of you over the past four years. But then your friends will start to slow down. And that’s when stage two sets in…

2. Guilt

Everyone you know has a job. Which makes you feel like a piece of crap. Also, you have no money. Drinking on the couch by yourself watching early season NBA action in your parents’ basement will soon comprise a serious chunk of your week. Which brings us to number 3…

3. Your Parents Always Wanting You Around

You’ve been gone for four years, so naturally mom (let’s be honest, dad was glad to have your ass out of the house) wants you to see you as much as possible. “Will you be home for dinner?” is a less innocent question than it seems, especially if mom has reached that point in her life when she’s standing in front of the open fridge just to quell those hot flashes. If that’s the case, expect a call from dad demanding your presence at lasagna night. Once this starts to happen frequently enough, you’ll begin to experience a serious case of…

4. Cabin Fever

Your parents are naggy. Your friends are no fun anymore. They don’t go out on weekdays and when they do get drunk, all they talk about are insurance bennies and IRA vs Roth IRAs, about which you don’t give one shit, combined. Moreover, the small-time bar scene is getting old, especially when you are incessantly bombarded with Facebook pictures of college friends living it up in New York and Chicago. All of this brings us to number 5…

5. Flying The Coop

With all of your new found free time, you comb social media like you’re an investigator on “Cheaters.” Inevitably, you’ll find a zillion inspirational posts about your early 20’s being the only time you can truly spread your wings, go somewhere totally crazy and set out on a new adventure. You begin to seriously mull this option over, going so far as to investigate law schools on the opposite coast, or even employment options abroad. All of this brings you to the final stage which is…

6. Decision Paralysis

Whatever awesome and intimidating, but very exciting option you’ve cooked up for yourself, you now have to make the decision to follow through with it. This, frankly, will be one of the toughest decisions you ever have to make, for a few reasons. For starters, mom and dad still pay for your phone, car insurance and more importantly, your credit card bill. All of this would be lost if you set out on your own, and don’t worry, your parents will let you know it. Your family also has some sort of network in the local business community, which you’ve already worked half-assedly to try and find yourself employment. In the back of your mind, you know that if you really worked these avenues, you could have yourself a job in no time. Additionally, enough of your friends are back in town that, despite the fact that they’re all quasi-losers, you’ve cobbled yourself together a nice little crew. These are all things that you’d be abandoning in the pursuit of the unknown.

So choose wisely, basement-dweller. The decision to stay or go will make more waves in your future than Ashton Kutcher almost starring in child porn in the Butterfly Effect. All subsequent decisions will depend on this one. So in your moment of existential crisis, do the only thing that truly comes naturally to you. Head to the bar, order two or six whiskey sevens and drunkenly convince yourself that whatever decision you make is the best one. I’m sure it’ll all work out for the best.

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5cups is an often-dehydrated, caffeine dependent 22 year-old whose life thus far has yet to meet either the expectations of his parents, or to rise above the basement of what society deems "functional."

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