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In the past, I’ve discussed the movies whose quotes are far too often bandied about in conversation. I’ve advised you folks to stop throwing around lines like, “You go Glen Coco,” and, “But why male models?” This isn’t meant to be an admonishment, but an attempt to widen our collective dialogue when it comes to funny movie lines. Now, I come to you with some of the best new movie lines that you should be folding into your repertoire.
Some of these are obscure movies that many people have not seen, and if you are in that camp I would encourage you to check out any of the movies on this list. Other movies are more widely known, but for some reason, they don’t have the same staying power as the more over-quoted movies. For all of these movies, though, I’d encourage us to see if we can make these funny or poignant quotes more commonplace.
1. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
A sneaky underrated comedy about three escaped convicts searching for treasure, the movie deals with depression-era topics like racial tensions, religion, and the Depression itself. It’s also a Coen Brothers movie, which means it’s well done. And it features George Clooney’s best comedic appearance other than Batman & Robin.
Feel free to use:
Oh George, not the livestock.
Damn! We’re in a tight spot!
So long, boys. See you in the funny papers.
I’m a Dapper Dan man!
McGill: Well, you lyin’… unconstant… succubus!
Waldrip: Woah, woah, woah! You can’t swear at my fiancée!
McGill: Oh yeah? Well you can’t marry my wife!
Well, ain’t this place a geographical oddity. Two weeks from everywhere!
2. Clue
Maybe my favorite comedy of all time, it’s largely not quoted because a lot of the funniest moments involve pithy, back-and-forth dialogue or slapstick visual gags rather than one-liners. Still, it’s a dynamite cast including Tim Curry, Michael McKean, Madeline Kahn, Leslie Ann Warren, Eileen Brennan, Martin Mull, and Christopher Lloyd. Any movie that has Doc Brown and Dr. Frank-N-Furter on screen together is comedy gold.
Feel free to use:
Professor Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?
Mrs. Peacock: No, just death. Isn’t that enough?
Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage!
Ms. Scarlett: Uh-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier. That’s one plus two plus *one* plus one.
Wadsworth: Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus *two* plus one plus one.
Mr. Green: So it was you. I was going to expose you.
Wadsworth: I know. So I choose to expose myself.
Colonel Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!
Who are you, Perry Mason?
Mrs. White: Oh, you’re a doctor?
Professor Plum: I am, but I don’t practice.
Miss Scarlet: Practice makes perfect. Ha! I think most men need a little practice, don’t you Mrs. Peacock?
It’s you and me, honey bunch.
But cool it on:
Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her so much, it… it… it… flames… flames, on the sides of my face, breathing… breathless… heaping breaths… heaping.
3. Tropic Thunder
Man, this movie is hilarious. I mean, goddamn if you haven’t seen Tropic Thunder, you have to watch it ASAP. I know this will be a controversial inclusion on the list because it is such a popular movie, but there are so many great lines that hardly get used that it overshadows the ones that are quoted (and you all probably know the one, in particular, I’m thinking of).
Feel free to use:
I know who I am. I’m the dude playin’ the dude, disguised as another dude!
Man, I don’t drop character ’till I done the DVD commentary.
Jeff Portnoy: [Tied to a tree and going through cocaine withdrawals] Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.
Alpa Chino: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy!
Jeff Portnoy: I’ll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let’s do this.
Yo asshole! This muthafucka’s dead. Ain’t no Criss Angel Mindfreak, David Blaine trapdoor horse shit jumpin’ off here!
Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you really going to abandon this movie? We’re supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.
Now I want you to take a step back… and literally fuck your own face!
Les Grossman: I couldn’t have done it without you.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Really?
Les Grossman: No, dickhead; of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
First, take a big step back… and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don’t know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play you’re trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you’re thinking, you’d better think again! Otherwise, I’m gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an un-Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You’re gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I’m talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!
My farm? Here’s my mothafuckin’ farm! [pulls out guns and starts firing and whooping] Kwan lo! I’m a lead farmer motherfucker.
Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick… the thing I love most in the world.
Rick Peck: A hooker. Alright, you killed a hooker. Calm down. Here’s what you’re gonna do: Get your hands on some bleach, some hydrogen peroxide, and a shit load of lye.
You more shredded than a Julienne salad, man.
Yeah, get him chuggin’ on some of Alpa’s ass-water. That’ll bring him around, it’s a cure-all…
Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe it’s because I just knew I had to represent because they had one good part in here for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man’s a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your barbie!
Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain’t funny.
Alpa Chino: I ain’t fuckin’ with you, Kangaroo Jack. I’m sorry the dingo ate your baby!
Kirk Lazarus: You know that’s a true story? Lady lost a kid. You’re about to cross some fuckin’ lines.
Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg Speedman] What do you mean, “you people?”
Alpa Chino: [stares at Lazarus, and then gets angry] What do *you* mean, “you people?”
Kirk Lazarus: Huh?
It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid
[As he’s pressing the detonator.] Big ass titties.
But cool it on:
You went full [insert word here] man, never go full [insert word here].
In addition to the original quote being offensive, it’s overused when applied to other descriptors.
4. Top Gun
Once upon a time, this was the go-to bro-quote movie. Growing up on sports teams, this was the movie that you’d quote with your boys, your teammates, your brothers. But, over time, it’s been replaced by comedies like Anchorman or bravado-infused movies like The Wolf of Wall Street. Sure TG is popular, but it’s time to bring back this classic for the group text chat with your buddies.
Feel free to use:
Remember, boys: no points for second place.
Maverick [entering a bar]: This is what I call a target-rich environment.
Goose: You live your life between your legs, Mav.
Maverick: Goose, even you could get laid in a place like this.
Goose: Hell, I’d be happy to just find a girl that would talk dirty to me.
Charlie: “I’ll have what he’s having. Hemlock, is it?”
Maverick: “Ice water.”
Slider: Goose, whose butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?
Goose: The list is long but distinguished.
Slider: Yeah, well so is my Johnson.
Negative, Ghost Rider; the pattern is full.
Son, your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash. You’ve been busted, you lost your qualifications as section leader three times, put in hack twice by me, with a history of high-speed passes over five air control towers, and one admiral’s daughter!
And if you screw up just this much, you’ll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong!
Slider: Crashed and burned! Huh, Mav?
Maverick: Hey, Slider.
[sniffs]
Maverick: You stink!
The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies room.
[Any rendition of “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins]
But you can cool it with:
Maverick: “I feel the need …”
Goose: “… the need for speed!”
5. The Karate Kid (original)
As I stated in my attempt to dissect the perfect awesome movie, Mr. Miyagi is an all-time great mentor character. He combines wit with gruff instruction and knowledge. Miyagi and Daniel-san are the best on-screen pairing in existence and don’t you dare tell me otherwise (also the Cobra Kai have great quotes for when you want to destroy your opponent).
Feel free to use:
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.
[Miyagi karate-chops the tops off three beer bottles]
Daniel: How did you do that? How did you do that?
Miyagi: Don’t know. First time.
Daniel: You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.
Miyagi: You… pretty okay, too.
Finish him!
No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher.
But cool it with:
Get him a body bag! Yeah!
Sweep the leg.
Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off.
6. Knocked Up
It’s quite amazing, given how all Judd Apatow’s other movies of the mid-2000s are overquoted to hell (The 40-Year Old Virgin, Anchorman, Superbad, Stepbrothers) that Knocked Up doesn’t get the same level of love. Going through the quotes, they definitely don’t lend themselves to being easy memes, but these are some great one-liners that you should have in your arsenal.
Feel free to use:
Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I’m ready to fuckin’ rock this shit!
Oh, no, we’re not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write that down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that. Yeah.
Your face looks like Robin Williams’ knuckles.
You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.
You look like Babe Ruth’s gay brother… Gabe Ruth.
If any of us get laid tonight, it’s because of Eric Bana in Munich.
Jay: You’re embarrassing me in company!
Jonah: You embarrass yourself!
I’m going to murderball you!
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Image via Youtube
Respond
@joshetyler
@joshetyler
I think she’s lost that lovin’ feeling..
No, no she hasn’t…
Yeah she definitely lost it…
Man I hate it when she does that.
“Because I was inverted”.. situations to use are rare, but it’s worth it when applicable
Has to be used with the hand gestures as well.
No, no, no, there two ‘O’s in Goose, boys
“Talk to me, Goose”
Be sure to use this every time you answer your work phone.
Glaring omission by me.
“Just a walk in the park, Kazansky”
I respect that Clue choice, underrated movie
Dude… do you know what a quote is, or how to use them? You can’t put 3 lines of dialogue from 2 different characters and expect anyone to use that in everyday life.
American Psycho should be on this list
Still not over the fact that Tom Cruise was signed on to make a Les Grossman movie and it hasn’t happened.
But why are there so many locker room scenes in top gun? Are flight schools really so centered around locker rooms?
Flight suits don’t breathe.