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Nanner absolutely killed it with her description of girls’ drunk alter egos, so, of course, I’m going to blatantly steal her concept and put my own male spin on it. Getting drunk with your buddies is usually a great time, but you’ll often find that most of them turn into a certain type once they’re sufficiently sloshed. The better you understand what you’re in for, the better you can make sure no one gets arrested or dies. The struggle is real.
Everyone’s New Best Friend
I’m a constant violator of this one. You meet someone for the first time that night, and by the time you’re both sauced, it’s like you’ve been pals for years. This drunk son of a bitch gets buddy-buddy with everyone around him, and then he starts making plans: camping trips, ballpark tours, movie ideas, bars you’ll start together, it’s all on the table. He means well, but he’s going to follow up on about 0 percent of these ideas, which is okay, because if he was actually held to the plans he makes with everyone, he’d always be busy, and probably out of money.
I just decided to put the two I’m most guilty of at the top. If The Best Friend is my good drunk side, The Instigator is my dark drunk side. The Instigator doesn’t necessarily start fights, but he certainly contributes to them happening. He’s pretty good at figuring out what subtle things get under people’s skin, and he targets that. If there’s someone at a party acting like an asshole, he’s not going to get in his face, he’s going to launch verbal stealth missiles at him until the guy breaks and takes a swing at him, ensuring that he gets himself kicked out.
Dubious Don Juan
Some guys just have a way with talking to women–and some guys have a way with getting drunk and becoming absolutely fearless with them. Those guys are rarely the same person. The drunken attempted lothario is hilarious to watch. He’ll go up to girls with no idea of what he’s going to say, only that he’s going to talk to them. And it pretty much always blows up in his face. Does this stop him from trying again with another poor girl only minutes later? Absolutely not. He might be an idiot, but you have to at least give him some credit for his total lack of shame.
The Everything MVP
He’s good at everything. If you once went on a backpacking trip, he summited Mt. Whitney. If you were on the third baseline at the ALCS, he got invited to hang out in the dugout in Game 7 of the World Series. If you hooked up with a MILF, he had sex with Catherine Zeta-Jones in the back of an Escalade. Is he the most full of shit guy at the bar? Almost definitely. But it’s never worth calling him on his shit, because you can’t really prove that he’s lying, and he’ll get so passionate about the truth of his stories that you’ll lose an hour of your life listening to him spout more bullshit. Just nod and smile.
This one is pretty self explanatory. Every accidental bump is a challenge to a brawl. If you looked at his girlfriend, you’re now his mortal enemy. I don’t advocate for fighting in public, because I’m not in fucking college anymore, but at some point, you either have to step up or leave. If this guy is in your group of friends, be willing to get in the way, because having your blacked out buddy take a swing at you is still better than being banned from a bar forever in the long run.
The Connections Guy
This guy is the only one who can give the Everything MVP a run for his counterfeit money. He knows anyone who could possibly be involved in anything ever. He won’t pretend to be buddies with Dave Grohl, but he “knows” the guy who runs security for Foo Fighters concerts. Or really any other fame-adjacent person. He can always allegedly hook you up. I’m not saying that every guy who claims to know someone in a position to grant favors is full of shit, I’m just saying that I have yet to actually attend any event or location for free based on the empty promises of this asshole.