The 55 Panicked Thoughts I Had When I Found Out My Friend Was Pregnant

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Today is a somber day. It’s a day that knows real pain, not just the pain that comes from Starbucks running out of my breakfast sandwich right before I get there. It is a pain that is a rite of passage, that acknowledges my now complete immersion into the postgrad world–a world that exists in a parallel universe, completely cut off from my carefree college days. Today is the first day that I heard a real pregnancy announcement. I say real, because it didn’t come from a cousin or an old babysitter. No, it came from a friend who was in my sorority, in my chapter, at the same time that I was. And she’s married now so, like, I can’t even talk shit about how she doesn’t know how to use birth control properly, because there is a real possibility this was planned.

These are 55 thoughts I had after hearing my first real pregnancy announcement.

1. Did I take my birth control this morning?
2. I wonder if it was actually just an accident?
3. I bet it was an accident, and now she’s just parading around on Facebook to make the rest of us look bad.
4. What a bitch.
5. She’s having a baby and I threw up Chardonnay this morning while I was brushing my teeth.
6. If I threw up kind of soon after I took my birth control, does that mean it doesn’t work?
7. Wait, I can’t be pregnant–right?
8. If I got pregnant right now, I would literally die.
9. How can she take care of a human when she literally was buying three $5 pitchers a night, like, two years ago?
10. I wonder how many times they had unprotected sex before she got pregnant.
11. I wonder if she’ll cut her hair now.
12. Do you stop drinking when you’re trying to have a baby? Or just once you know you’re pregnant?
13. She’s not going to be able to drink for, like, a year.
14. I honestly don’t know how I would maintain my (debatable) sanity if I couldn’t drink and make poor choices on the weekend.
15. At least baby clothes are cute.
16. She better not pull that “as long as it’s healthy, I’m happy” bullshit. Everyone has a gender preference, you’re only fooling yourself.
17. There’s no way she could have a clean divorce now, so I hope she doesn’t regret getting married at 23.
18. Did he want the baby, too? Or did she trick him into it?
19. There’s no way it was his choice to have a baby right now.
20. Maybe she has a magic vagina.
21. How in the fuck are they going to pay for this?
22. As a business major, I can attest that this may not have been a fiscally responsible decision.
23. They have a fiduciary responsibility to take care of that peanut for the next 18 years.
24. So much responsibility.
25. I think that’s when you become a real adult, when you have a kid.
26. What happens if your baby is crying and you just don’t wake up because you’re so tired you don’t even hear it?
27. Now they’re going to make all the people who just bought them a wedding present buy them a baby present.
28. What a couple of selfish assholes.
29. I now live in a world where the only theme parties are marriage and baby.
30. Maybe I should get rid of my costume trunk.
31. Maybe I could give it to the baby! My sailor costume will totally fit it in a couple years.
32. Does she just not want to have fun anymore?
33. I guess I just missed the transition from avoiding any real responsibility to actually seeking it out.
34. I cannot handle talking to my mother today.
35. Am I still obligated to invite her out?
36. I mean, she’s great, but a pregnant lady who can’t drink is just kind of a downer.
37. I offered to host Thanksgiving this year. I thought that was a big step. Fucking one-uppers.
38. She gets a paid vacation from work.
39. Is there a way to get a paid vacation from work without having to have a baby?
40. Wait, is she going to be a stay at home mom now?
41. HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO PAY FOR THIS?
42. I turned down a date last month with the guy I’d been sleeping with because it was too much commitment.
43. I was too scared of commitment to go to dinner.
44. Should I have said yes?
45. I don’t want a baby, but I also don’t want to be the last of my friends to have a baby.
46. I finished college! I’m living in the real world! Why couldn’t that be enough for a while, at least until I’ve adjusted?
47. Do I have any wine at home? I might need to get more.
48. I think that maybe I should just stay off the Internet for the next 24 hours.
49. There’s no way I’m going to the gym today now.
50. She can eat whatever she wants and no one can say anything.
51. That’ll be a bitch to work off after, though.
52. What’s the normal amount of weight you gain when you’re pregnant?
53. I have so many things I want to do before I have a baby.
54. This might be worse than my ex-boyfriend getting engaged.
55. Fuck, this is just the beginning, isn’t it?

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