The 50 Thoughts That Go Through Your Mind On Sunday Morning

  1. Fuck.
  2. Shit.
  3. I’m dying.
  4. Fuck.
  5. I need a McMuffin-sized Advil right now. Also, a McMuffin.
  6. Oh, sweet. Got a number last night…
  7. …it’s from that dude I went to high school with who wants to sell me life insurance.
  8. Fuck that guy.
  9. I hope no one slept over last night. I do not want to deal with people right now.
  10. Jesus Christ. It’s not even 8:00am yet.
  11. Please let me go back to sleep. I won’t ask for anything else the rest of the day. Just let me go back to sleep.
  12. Who did I text last night?
  13. Oh shit. Better delete that tweet. That one, too.
  14. Need sleep. God, please.
  15. Advil. Need it…
  16. …but it’s in the kitchen.
  17. Do I really need Advil?
  18. Yes, I fucking need Advil.
  19. Faaaaaaaack.
  20. Son of a bitch. Why am I so messy when I’m drunk?
  21. How much does a maid cost?
  22. Advil, take me away.
  23. Who the fuck is texting me right now?
  24. Goddammit, man. Not right now. Way too early to even comprehend what happened last night.
  25. I’m so freaking hungry. Still too drunk to drive.
  26. Roommate spent the night at his girlfriend’s house last night. Good.
  27. Guess I’ll watch some TV.
  28. MY EYES.
  29. Why is our couch so uncomfortable?
  30. My bones hurt.
  31. If my company didn’t drug test, I’d so be smoking a bowl right now.
  32. Could really go for some half-hearted morning sex.
  33. Too early to think about work.
  34. Why don’t I have any food?
  35. No, unemployed degenerate friend from college, I do not feel like Sunday funday.
  36. I never felt like this in college.
  37. Where is my credit card?
  38. I should check my bank accou- GOOD LORD.
  39. I need food.
  40. Who delivers this early?
  41. I wonder if WebMD can diagnose cirrhosis of the liver.
  42. WebMD says I have jaundice. That can’t be right.
  43. Oh shit. Maybe I have cancer.
  44. How do I schedule a doctor’s appointment?
  45. Work is going to suck tomorrow.
  46. I wonder if one of my nursing friends can hook me up with an IV? They do that, right?
  47. 10 more hours till Game of Thrones. Don’t know if I can make it.
  48. Maybe I should work out? I heard that works.
  49. Eh, nachos should do the trick.
  50. I’m getting too old for this shit.

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