Welcome to the airport, where basic human dignity and any social constructs are thrown out the window. It’s a zoo for humans, and it only gets worse once you step onto that metal tube that’s going to hurtle you to your final destination. Give me your poor, your sick, your tired masses. The depraved, the filthy, and clinically insane. Just put em all in the airport, because it seems that everyone’s true self is revealed in the goddamn airport.
The People Who Stand In Line
Listen up. Every flight you’ve ever been on, excluding private jets, has had assigned seating. So why does a majority of the plane feel the need to stand up in line 20 minutes before boarding just to get to their seat faster? Relax you idiots. Your seat isn’t going to be gone if you wait until everyone boards. This hurry-up-and-wait mentality is so, so, dumb. But then again, a majority of people I see and interact with on a daily basis are morons so I guess I don’t really know why I’m surprised. Sidenote: these are the same people who will jump up and unbuckle immediately upon arrival (despite orders from the flight attendants to remain seated). They’ll scramble into the aisle as if they’ll get off the plane faster by doing this. Just sit in your fucking seat until everyone in front of you is walking off. It’s total lunacy. I won’t stand for it.
Vacay, bitch. You’re going to land and be beach ready right? Wrong. So wrong. What makes shorts guy think he can get away with this move, you ask? Newsflash-people do whatever they want at the airport. Once you get past TSA you’re in the Wild West. No rules. Jungle law. I don’t want to look at your pasty ass twigs in chubbies for three hours. Put a pair of jeans on like an adult. Equally as bad are the dads who wear those pants that zip off into shorts. Gotta be better than that. Just wait until you get to your hotel to put shorts on, please. Same goes for open toed sandals. Nobody wants to smell those dogs or get a glimpse at that bunion you’re too scared to take off.
The One Who Brings Hot Food
Not talked about very often, however, this is one of the more disgusting things I think one can do on an airplane. Possibly the biggest assholes in this article. Airplanes are disgusting. If I could wear a hazmat suit while flying I would, but I don’t feel like getting put on some watch list for possible terrorists. There always seems to be a guy who stopped at fucking Carrabbas or Applebee’s right before takeoff and ordered a three-course meal that is going to stink up the entire plane. Microwaved food in a pressurized cabin. Can you say YUM? This is amplified if you’re sitting next to someone with food. Was it really necessary for you to bring a goddamn meal for this two-hour ride? Couldn’t wait until you were back in the real world to shovel shit down your disgusting gullet? They’ll usually be open mouth chewers too because of course they are.
The Small Bladder
Are you asleep? Maybe zoning out while you listen to The Boy, aka Drizzy, aka Drake croon about ex-girlfriends on Views From The 6? Not with fucking window seat Sally in your row. This person gets up no less than three times to take a leak because they had to have that ten dollar liter of iced coffee from Starbucks. They’ll give you a really nice fuck you smile whenever they get up too because they know they’re winning the battle. But battles aren’t wars. Which is why the next person I’m going to describe can and should be you if you play your cards right.
The Armrest Champion
Everyone knows maintaining the armrest is essential on airplanes. It’s doubly important if you’re sitting in the middle because you’ve really got nothing else to fight for. Never, under any circumstances, take your elbows off of the armrest. This will result in your arms at your sides uncomfortably for the duration of your trip. So now that you’ve got your elbows situated, continue inching your way to more surface area of the armrest. Eventually you’ll be touching the other persons arm. Most people are mentally weak. They’ll withdraw and give it up no problem. Sure, there will be a few who won’t budge, but that just makes your flight a little more interesting. Enjoy this, as it’s probably going to be more entertaining than watching Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium on that 8-inch screen in front of you. It’ll all be over soon. And God speed if you’ve got an international flight coming up. .