While everyone in the world is a beautiful, unique snowflake, there are only a certain number of combinations of personality attributes that exist. So when I say every guy has these friends, it’s more likely than not that you are, at the very least, acquainted with every type of guy on this list.
1. The Drinks Like He’s Still In College Guy
As a disclaimer, I’m willing to bet that I–and much of this website’s readership–qualify for this category on some level. But the guy I’m thinking of is very specific. It’s not just that he drinks as much as he did in college, but also that his habits have remained unchanged. He’ll show up to your apartment at 6 p.m. on a Wednesday with a case of Natty and a package of red cups, expecting you and your roommates to throw down with him. I’m as guilty as the next guy of drinking a few too many whiskeys on a weeknight, but that’s usually due to a lack of situational awareness. The act of putting down 12 light beers while tossing little white balls at additional containers filled with said beer requires one to place a certain amount of effort in pursuit of irresponsibility. This guy is great to have around on the weekends and he brings a certain amount of nostalgia along with him, but not all of us can play 73 rounds of flip cup and expect to make it to work the next day.
2. The Married Guy
If there’s a yin to the Drinks Like He’s Still In College Guy’s yang, it’s the Married Guy. In the same way that your drinking buddy brings by an unhealthy amount of alcoholic peer pressure, this guy just brings around bummer vibes. Before all you married dudes out there get your panties in a twist, just keep in mind that I’m talking about extremes here. Most of the time married guys relatively fun to be around, but a lot of the time these guys feel the need to talk about the status of their marriage with you. We get it, you are their friend–who else would they talk to? But the conversation can often devolve in two directions, neither of which are good times for the average, single postgrad on the receiving end.
A) Their relationship is in the shitter. This sucks for a couple of reasons. You probably know and are friends with his wife, and also the stuff he’s talking about is way over your head. Sure, you can offer your objective opinion, but what value is your insight, Mr. “The Closest Thing I Have To Intimacy Is How Well Netflix Knows My Movie Taste?”
B) Their relationship is perfect. This is good news in that you don’t have to pay as much attention to the details. You aren’t expected to summarize his problems, give your thoughts on how to fix them, and then supply a full bibliography of your sources at the end. But the bad news for you is that, depending on how long he drones on about his vacations, great sex life, and the new set of irons she got him for his birthday, this will end up being a depressing moment for you. As I noted above, Netflix may know you love movies that mix elements of Hugh Grant comedies and pre-Pearl Harbor Michael Bay, but you also eat meals designed for two people in one sitting. And every word he says just reminds you of that sad fact.
Oh, and God have mercy on your soul if they have kids.
3. The Inexplicably Rich Guy
This guy is easy to identify. He never complains about money issues, always buys drinks for your group, and constantly proposes impromptu trips to Vegas. But the key to this guy is that no one in your group of friends is entirely sure how he makes his money. He’s single, which is a big money saver on its own, but he lives in a much nicer apartment than you and he doesn’t have any jackass roommates to worry about. You guys are pretty sure that he’s in some sort of consulting or maybe freelance software development, but everyone has a different thought on what his actual day-to-day schedule is. It doesn’t help matters that he never actually seems to be at work. Any time you have a day off, he’s always free to hang out. He isn’t worried about deadlines, and now that you think about it, you’ve never once heard him say a word about his job. He’s an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, inside a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, and it’s inside your dream.
By the way, he’s either a trust fund kid, a drug dealer, or is up to his eyes in credit card debt. There is no such thing as a 25-year-old management consultant, you idiots.
4. The Full Of Shit Guy
Remember when Tommy met David Bowie, who invited him to a party at his penthouse, and then he did coke off of Pam Anderson’s tits before her boob reduction? Yeah, neither does Tommy. Look, we’re all guilty of exaggerating or blatantly making up stories for the purpose of entertaining people. And that’s fine. But there’s always that one guy who does it so much that it’s just a part of his character now. You and the rest of your friends have learned to let the lies sort of go by without much fuss, but you also know not to count on him to hook you up with Goo Goo Dolls tickets because he’s Eskimo brothers with their road manager. To be honest, the Full Of Shit Guy can actually become endearing after a while, because you and he both know that what he says is absurdly false, but you both agree to live in the more entertaining fantasy world in which his exploits actually occurred. Other people may find him annoying, but you and your buddies actually enjoy having his compulsive liar around.
5. The New Thing Guy
He’s into everything. If it’s new, he’s on it. Fad diets, trendy scarves for men, rock climbing–he does it all. And he also wants to rope you into everything he does. This is okay when it’s something relatively entertaining, like hiking or photography. But for some reason, the stuff that he’s constantly starting up is one of two things: a weird workout routine or a pyramid scheme. If I had a dime for every time this guy tried to talk me into CrossFit or Amway, I’d have enough money to buy my way to the top of the Amway chain and defraud him and everyone else below me.
Also, I’m convinced that CrossFit is a pyramid scheme, too. I don’t have the evidence to prove it, but the weird, cultish energy that comes off of it is the exact same that I get from the weird MLM places. I’m gonna bust you, CrossFit. Someday.