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1. The Bro
He still regularly attends all of his fraternity’s parties, despite the fact that he graduated years ago. He takes his shirt off at most events, whether it’s warranted or not (it almost always isn’t). Whenever you’re around him, you feel sober, which isn’t something you’re used to. He’s either in law school or working in finance, which gives him ample time to continue his college activities on the weekend, which include, but are not limited to, toting koozies to the bar, waiting in line for lines in the bathroom a la MiCy, and kegstands (only on special occasions).
2. Peter Pan(ic)
Your friends are all getting married, so in an act of rebellion you escape to Neverland to avoid anything that could resemble a long-term relationship. His committed relationship with alcohol means there’s no place for you, which is perfect. Despite the fact that this guy’s in the real world, he parties just as hard as he did during his college days in an attempt to black out the tedium of his 9-5. Unfortunately, he won’t make you feel younger. He’ll just make you realize it might be time to grow up sooner than you think, because you’re no Tinkerbell.
3. The Adult
You go out with this man because you start seeing engagement announcements left and right and think it might be time to go on a date that doesn’t start with drinks and end with breakfast. He’s exactly who you should be dating to ensure that you’ll get married sometime in the next century, but your mentalities make you feel like he’s at least a decade older than you are. He’s a doctor, lawyer, or something else that your parents will love (to brag about to their friends). He has his life together, which is very unsettling. He’s not boring, per se, but he’s an actual adult man, and you’re still struggling to make sure your life doesn’t end up an exact replica of the latest Girls episode. You know you’ll go in this direction eventually, but you’re just not sure it’s time to settle down quite yet when your Bucket List is still so incomplete.
4. The Hipster
He went to a small liberal arts school, and he’s just so earnest. He did AmeriCorps, Teach for America, or is working on his “art,” whatever that means. He has a favorite flannel, and you’re pretty sure his jeans are skinnier than yours. He’s uncomfortably intent on making the world a better place. You respect him, really you do, but you can’t help but wonder how long he’ll focus on changing the world before he decides to focus on making money like the rest of us. Plus, you can’t help but feel like you’re just not quite living up to his expectations—after all, as a millennial, you’re more focused on you than the youth.
5. The College Creeper
You can still find him at the campus bar every Thursday night, where he’s always overdressed in an attempt to impress undergrads with the fact that he’s employed (even if it’s as a bartender at said bar). The major difference between him and his former self is that he sometimes takes adult ladies on dates, but if that doesn’t work, he’ll turn to his Saturday night special, an undergrad more than happy to be hooking up with a “grown-up.” It’s understandable, since college was the best four years of his life—but unfortunately, dating 18 year olds won’t transport you back, no matter how many times you watch Dazed and Confused. If it did, we’d all be dating undergrads.