The 5 Essential Members Of Your Casino Night Squad

The 5 Essential Members Of Your Casino Night Squad

If you ask me, there isn’t a single extracurricular drinking excursion that beats a night at the casino with the squad. Unlike anything else that involves booze, a casino offers you the unparalleled rush of leaving a rich man. Now, there’s a 90% chance you’ll only leave furious at yourself for not walking away when you should’ve, but it doesn’t mean that you won’t have had a great damn time. Even a night of getting cleaned out by a bastard of a dealer who was sent by the devil himself can be fun when you bring in the right cast of characters.

1. The Enthusiastic Guy

The engine that makes your group run; think Vince Vaughan in Swingers. This guy doesn’t “need” to gamble per se, but they 100% need the rush and good time that comes with it. Their whole night is spent keeping positivity and good vibes going and telling each member of the group at least once how money they are and that the next hand is a winner.

Winning or losing isn’t a big deal to this guy, and normally he doesn’t do much of either. He just rides the fun to an even finish. Even if he gets cleaned out he somehow finds joy in it with a Vinnie Chase-esque “It’s all good guys!” The constant upbeat attitude wears thin on anyone getting destroyed at the table, and eventually his, “I feel a blackjack coming for someone guys!” will get met with a, “Shut the fuck up, Brad” by the guy who’s visited the ATM twice already.

2. The Addict

This guy doesn’t want to go to the casino. He needs to go to the casino. He doesn’t understand why everyone in the world doesn’t want to be at the casino 24/7. Early in his gambling career he rode an insanely hot craps table for five hours and got hooked. The poor bastard hasn’t come out ahead since.

You know it’s an issue when he categorizes casinos by their ATM withdrawal fees, and anyone who’s ever gambled with him has at least one story about him saying something horrifying to a dealer after they pull a five-card 21 vs. his 20. You probably shouldn’t even tell him you’re heading to the casino, but why deny the man a chance to scratch his itch and slam Jameson on the rocks. He just fucking loves gambling.

3. The Stranger(s)

The wildcard that makes or breaks the night, very rarely will you exclusively be gambling with your own crew. Much like a bar bathroom or a sporting event, a hot table is a great way to meet a three hour best friend. When you sit down you’re all strangers, but give it a hot wave of dice or cards and you’ll all be discussing taking a golf trip together.

Usually you’ll bond with a lone wolf or a maybe an old married couple, but the magic really happens when your squad becomes casino best friends with another. It’s like the scene in The Longest Yard when Michael Irvin & Co. decide to join forces with Sandler and the boys to take down the guards. The momentum of your superpower one-night squad takes you to gambling glory, as at least one guy has a hot night that you can all bask in.

4. The Awfully Lucky Guy

This dickhead blows at gambling. He splits sixes, only plays the Don’t Pass craps, and plays slots more than any non-senior citizen should. Coincidently this asshole always finishes the night with a quiet profit. As you’re all walking out of the casino smelling like sweat, cigs, and cocktail waitresses, naturally you discuss your recent failures.

“I put paying my rent in jeopardy tonight.”

“At least I managed to down nine White Russians before that dealer took everything I had.”

But then..

“I hit a $100 slot machine roll, played one hand of roulette and hit the only number I played, and doubled down against 20 when I had a 12 by accident and won.”

Yeah fuck this guy.

5. The Bench Guys

Every championship team needs role players, and these guys answer the call. No one here is going to win you a title, but without them, you’re not in contention. No good gambling night is without the tall lanky guy who couldn’t have played more than ten hands but is also blackout drunk. Also can’t forget the guy who was super hesitant, said he was only bringing $40 in and may not even gamble much, but is now surrounded by a respectable stack at 4 a.m. and telling everyone around him, “I’m not leaving this seat until I pass out or die.”

Mostly these guys just fill a utility role: like The Dark Knight, they’re whoever the squad needs them to be. Maybe one night it’s the guy who says, “This place is ice cold plus I can hear “Return of the Mack” on at the bar upstairs, let’s make moves and change the momentum.” Other nights they’re just the guys who have packed it in but are still bringing the #HypeTrain behind the guy who’s hit six consecutive marks on the craps table. They’re unsung heroes, but you can’t win a casino night without them.

Image via Nick_Nick /

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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