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In a sea of cold calling, expense reports, and pointless emails from corporate, sometimes the one thing that gets us through the day is a little casual flirting. It also gives some of us a chance to brush up on our successful male interaction skills, which is a far more exciting endeavor than, say, becoming an expert in Excel or Photoshop. In my experience, the wider variety of guys, the better.
1. The Weirdo
There is something slightly off about this guy. Maybe he has a straggly beard or wire-framed glasses, or maybe he has some action figures still in the box prominently displayed in his cubicle. Whatever the case, you most likely wouldn’t give him a second look under normal circumstances. But when you’re both early birds and in the office by yourselves at 8:45 a.m., you’ll chat about your favorite coffee spots and throw in a few giggles and reassuring grins when he tells a lame (but still kind of funny) joke. He’ll awkwardly tell you that you “look nice today” and you’ll say with a smile, “You’re so sweet!” Harmless. Easy. Kind of boring.
2. The Dreamboat
If you’re lucky, the dreamy office guy is an actual 10 and not just the dreaded “office 10 but real life six.” The promise of running into this guy in the elevator makes getting out of your bed every morning an easy task. You’ll do some amateur level shit to be in his presence and exchange flirtatious smiles. For example, at my last job, I asked the crazy hot guy down the hall to help me assemble boxes (that had clearly defined directions printed on them) in order to get him to hang out for 15 minutes. I would also blare Jay-Z from my office hoping he’d think I was a “cool chick.” And also I love Jay-Z. We talked about getting happy hour beers once, but then I got laid off and never flirted with him again. It was BY FAR the worst part about losing that job.
3. The Married Guy
Personally, I’m not much for home-wrecking, so this is most likely the simple kind of “flirting” that is basically just being a nice person. The ability to be simultaneously friendly, professional, and adorable may not qualify as flirting in the strictest sense of the word, but socially interacting with married men at work is a great way to practice your personality.
4. The Guy With Potential
If you were to run into this guy at a bar on a Friday night, you would definitely bring your flirtatious A-game. The rules are a little different when you’re playing 9 to 5, meaning you can’t exactly go in for a bicep grab or a knee rub in the middle of the weekly sales meeting. On the other hand, you definitely make sure you sit next to him at every meeting, and you two always exchange knowing smirks when your bosses talk marketing jargon and nonsense. When he stops by your cube, you end up chatting for 15 minutes about Netflix and where to go for happy hour. You leave witty Post-its on his desk, and he does the same with you. Sometimes you even sign off your emails with smiley faces. If the cards fall right, the guy with potential turns into an office romance–or at the very least, a post happy hour hookup.
5. The Interviewee
This guy is your oyster, the elusive wild card. You’re not 100 percent sure yet which category he’ll fall into, so you tread lightly. All you know right now is he looks damn good in a suit. That might only be because your colleagues ditched their ties the second day on the job and you haven’t seen a well dressed man in weeks, though. Shake his hand with confidence, make eye contact, flash your most professional smile, and linger for a few extra seconds. Say something like, “Good luck. Hopefully we’ll see more of each other soon,” and give him a look that says he could end up working under you. Sexually or professionally. Maybe both. Ethics be damned.
Respond
Ann Perkins
One time I went to a job interview hungover on Snake Juice with my sweater on backwards AND inside out. Still got the job.
@jesshett
@jesshett
I’d like to know where you people work, since my office is just a bunch of miserable married men hopelessly flirt-begging with interns and new hires, and the few girls that exist act like they’re too good for anyone in the workplace.
Currently: music industry on a team with 5 other entry level employees. I am the oldest one at 26.
Previously: small events business and we shared an office building with a bunch of startups + lawyers which equated to a whole lotta men under the age of 40.
I wish I worked in an office where arriving at 8:45 qualified me as an early bird.
You’re missing “Guy on HR’s speed dial”