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Breakups suck. No matter the reason, the person, or whether or not you “win the breakup,” they suck for everyone involved. Getting dumped hurts like a bitch, and unless you’re a sociopath, dumping someone sucks too. But not all breakups are created equally. Throughout your life, these are the breakups you’ll go through.
The First Love
This one hurts the most. It always does. Not because it has the biggest impact on your life or because you two were super serious. In fact, in hindsight, this is probably the least serious breakup of your life. But that doesn’t change how much it hurts. It hurts the most because it’s the first time you’ve felt these feelings. Much like how a baby cries at everything because to it, that’s the worst thing it’s felt in life, this breakup will feel like the world is ending.
There’s something about your first love that no other relationship has. The fact that you’ve never had these feelings before, mixed with teenage hormones and lack of experience make for a whirlwind romance with crazy highs and crazy lows. As dumb as it sounds looking back, we all thought we would marry our first love. They were our “soulmates” and “one true love” and we would be the exception that makes it. You thought your love story would be turned into Taylor Swift songs and be the inspiration for The Notebook II: High School Romance. Except it didn’t. And the reality that sometimes you can love someone as hard as possible and still get burned is one of the toughest lessons of our young lives.
The One That Got Away
Whether they truly were the one that got away or just someone you put on a pedestal until you met someone new and better, everyone has one of these. When you look at your relationship through the rose-colored glasses of hindsight, it seems perfect. No matter the fact that clearly, it had its flaws since y’all broke up and all, in your mind, this was simply a mistake. You were too young and didn’t know the good thing you had until you lost it. This is the college girlfriend that you broke up with to be single senior year and then regretted it after graduating and being hit with the full weight of crushing adulthood. You probably attempted to reconcile, maybe even got back together for a bit when your self-esteems were both at an all-time low and realized quickly why it didn’t work out the first time. This will probably be the longest and messiest breakup you have.
The One That’s Your Fault
There’s no spinning the story on this one. You fucked up, and that’s why you guys broke up. Whether you cheated, were too jealous, or called them a bitch while playing Pictionary with their family at Christmas (sorry Rachel), the undeniable fact is, it’s your fault the relationship ended. Whether you wished it hadn’t ended and pined to get them back or were secretly glad it was over, it still sucks to be the bad guy. You did something wrong, and you just know you’re constantly getting eviscerated in their group chat. If you’re thinking, “please, that happened six years ago, no way do they even still talk about me,” pull your head out. You’re getting roasted by their friends until the end of time. They’ll even bring up you and your shitty relationship-ending ways at the bachelor or bachelorette party.
The One That’s No One’s Fault
This is one of the hardest ones to get over. Maybe you broke up because one of you got a job on the other side of the country and you correctly assumed that LDRs don’t work. Maybe you both realized too late in the relationship that some of your core values don’t line up. I know people that didn’t talk about important issues like religious beliefs, desire to have kids, or lifestyle choices until a year into the relationship, and all of a sudden, they have to decide if they’d rather not live the life they want or break up with someone they love. It sucks, and it sucks even more that you have no one to blame.
You can’t hate the other person. You can’t wallow in self-hatred. Both of your feelings and attraction and chemistry to each other haven’t faded. You just have to make decision-based on logic, the worst of all decisions, and decide not to be with the person you want to be with. No matter how mature you are in your decision to end it, there’s no way this breakup is smooth. There will be drunk texts, late night confessions of love on each other’s voicemails, and the inevitable delayed anger when one of you starts dating someone new.
The One Where You Think You’ll Die Alone
While the first love may hurt the worst, this one is the scariest. This is the oh-shit-I’m-going-to-have-to-relearn-how-to-be-single breakup. This happens when you turn 28 and one of you realizes that the person you’ve been dating for past four years isn’t the one you want to marry. It’s a breakup late in the second half of the dating game, and when it happens it’ll seem like you’re screwed. You’ll realize everyone around you is getting married and your options are dwindling in front of your eyes. Not only will you have to deal with the soul-crushingness of a breakup, you’ll have to pick yourself right back up and pretend to be okay because you need to lock down a partner, and fast.
Of course, all of that is bullshit. There’s no race to find someone, and picking someone just because they’re available and you’re scared of being alone at 30 is a horrible excuse to date someone. But at the time, it will sure feel like all of a sudden, you’ve been lapped by everyone else and you’re nowhere as near to the finish line as you thought. Like you just landed on a snake in Snakes and Ladders. I’m out of metaphors, but you get it.
Anyway, no matter the breakup, just remember to keep your head up and stay optimistic. Half of us will be divorced within ten years anyway, so there’ll be plenty more chances to find someone to settle down with (again)..
Image via YouTube
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
well this was a nice depressing piece for a Monday morning
Yeah seriously, what the hell Nick?
Gotta break you down on Monday so I can build you up on Friday.
So are you single now
Nope.
Sup? Wanna get some drinks to get over it?
hey eat a dick, nick
Guys, take the shots of depression on Monday, throw up, and feel better as you ride the high all the way to Friday and into the weekend!….literally repeat this for the rest of your life until you ultimately don’t accomplish any of your dreams and then remain in a state of comfortable boringness until your shitty kids throw you in a nursing home in your own dime and then you die as you watch syndicated reruns of Game of Thrones and your coloring bag filled up but your asshole male nurse didn’t care enough to check up on you lol
I’m just gonna leave all those typos there because I’m like super mysterious and stuff
If you’re luck none of these five mesh together into one.
multiple meshing makes my Monday miserable
Absolutely amazing alliteration, amigo.
Right? What if your one breakup hits 4 for 5 on the list? -_-
I meant lucky
That’s like the Voltron of bad dating experiences.
Ughhhhh. Man what a post for a Monday.
According to my ex-girlfriends, all of my break-ups are my fault.
One can never be wholly right in a woman’s eyes. “That’s not true! It’s possible.”- women.
Each of these happened to me, in the order listed. Gonna go mull over an existential crisis now.
Dying alone…how about splitting up with your long-term, live-in girlfriend in your late 20s as you’re about to leave a cool, fun city…for your small, boring, stagnate hometown for grad school. And, to make things worse, you’re moving back in with your parents. (I like my parents and it was likely the last time I’ll leave near them, but single in a small town and in grad school…whooo boy. Not many prospects out there. That was a rough year.)
Well, this was a thing that I read on a Monday morning.
And here I was thinking all the articles I want to write are too serious and not silly enough. I guess I got some angsty shit headed this way.