Here it is, that weird week after the pre-Halloween weekend where you’ve seen some things you just can’t unsee. I’m talking dudes dressed as Miley Cyrus while their girls are Robin Thicke. I’m talking some girls wearing such revealing outfits that a few of them are unacceptable even by your standards. I’m talking bros cramming themselves into skin tight costumes and having some of their downtown business leave the city for an afternoon in the country, if you catch my drift.
But now it’s Monday, and you have to get into work mode until you can party it up Thursday night on actual Halloween. Although, maybe you have work the next Friday and don’t feel like coming into the office smelling like vodka and regret, so you’re just going to hold off until that Friday. Technically it won’t be October anymore, but hey, who wants to turn down an opportunity to wear a costume and gawk at scantily clad women?
If you are one of those unfortunate people who just can’t bring themselves to man up and go out for Halloween, there’s no shame in parking your ass on the couch and enjoying the best the horror genre has to offer…
5. Sleepy Hollow
Tim Burton. Johnny Depp. Christina Ricci. A classic 1999 take on the infamous legend of the Headless Horseman and a movie that holds up over the years. This can be good on multiple levels, whether it’s to frighten the one you’re with so they hold you close and tell you that it’s going to be okay, or if you want to make it into a drinking game every time someone loses their *SPOILER ALERT* head. Also, Christopher Walken is in it. That alone makes it a must-watch. And this happens too:
4. Child’s Play
I’m sorry, so you’re going to tell me that a serial killer/voodoo practitioner is putting his soul into a child’s doll? Eff that. If you’re going to make this your movie of choice, make sure you run to your local toy store and grab a child’s doll to conveniently rig behind the couch with a butcher knife in its hand. Someone will inevitably notice it, scream, and potentially need a fresh pair of drawers.
3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You can’t go wrong with the 1974 original of this one, but if you want to see a more updated version, you can check out the Jessica Biel 2003 remake. It holds up in terms of scare factor, and there is just something about R. Lee Ermey’s (of Full Metal Jacket fame) portrayal of the Sheriff that makes you cringe and want to see him get his face bashed in. That’s just good acting. You’ll definitely think twice before heading into remote areas of the Lone Star State. Or picking up a hitchhiker for that matter.
Michael Myers. No, not the guy that voiced Shrek and plays Austin Powers or that awful Love Guru movie. I’m talking about the serial killer, babysitter-stalker wearing an all-white William Shatner mask (that’s a true story, you can look it up) who loves to play with butcher knives and refuses to die. He’s otherwise known as The Boogie Man or The Shape (as seen in the film’s credits). Unlike my previous reco to see either the original Texas Chainsaw or the remake, I must insist that you watch the original 1978 Halloween over the Rob Zombie remake. This is the film that is credited with starting the slasher movie craze that later led to Friday the 13th and subsequent god awful sequels. With music as creepy as the actual images on the screen, sit back and watch Jamie Lee Curtis scream ridiculously loud. If you can convince your roommate to dress up like Myers and enter the room at the pivotal scene where he’s about to sit up *SPOILER ALERT* from behind the couch, you’ll get bonus points and make people cry. Although, I recommend you don’t have them use a real kitchen knife on the off chance some brave soul in your group goes Jackie Chan on their ass.
1. Hocus Pocus
There are so many good movies out there for Halloween night that I didn’t get to mention, but this just has to be on the list. No matter how old you are, this movie is classic. I mean who doesn’t love Bette Midler? You get a talking cat, a ’90s virgin teenager who loves to play the drums, three witch sisters who can sing a surprisingly catchy song (the ’90s!), and Sarah Jessica Parker in her early days before she became intolerable on Sex and the City. I defy any of you to name a Halloween movie that people know more about than this one.
“Thackery Binx, what took thee so long?”
“I’m sorry, Emily. I had to wait 300 years for a virgin to light a candle.”