The 4 Most Horrifying Insects I Never Want To Find In My Apartment

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You haven’t felt true fear until you’ve had a fire ant bite your grundle.

Ant

Whoever came up with the phrase “ants in your pants” was a disturbed individual. Fire ants, argentine ants, odorous ants, whatever. To hell with ’em all. They swarm your garbage and can even infest your bed (if some sick sadistic person messes with you D3: The Mighty Ducks style). While they’re more annoying than anything, it’s really their superior organization and colonization that stresses me out. How do they build their homes so quickly? It takes a contractor six weeks to finish a kitchen remodel, but they can build Ant City, USA in less than a day? Where’s my can of Raid…

Spider

These eight-legged bastards come in all shapes, colors, and sizes, so how are you supposed to know which ones are equipped with venom that can put you in a coma and which ones are harmless? Are we all suddenly arachnologists? I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night, so there is no way I can remember if this black spider with white markings on its underbelly is a threat to my life. Who am I kidding; I have no idea what markings it has on its underbelly and you know why? I JUST FUCKING KILLED IT WITH MY SHOE.

The fear of spiders is a real, diagnosable disorder. Look it up on WebMD. Have you seen the 1990 horror classic Arachnophobia? I haven’t been able to take a shower without thinking a spider is going to kill me since my dad let me watch it back in ’95.

Guys, if you’re at a girl’s apartment and she sees a spider, killing it is basically a one way ticket to pound town.

Her: “Oohhhh my GAWD!! There’s a spider! Oh my god, kill it! Kill it! Ewww!!! Is it in my hair? GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!”
You: Say nothing. Saunter up to the spider, oozing confidence, and assert your dominance. *SQUISH*

After all, killing a spider in a girl’s home is the modern equivalent of killing a lion in the Roman Colosseum. Be the hero you were destined to be.

Roach

There are few things worse than seeing a big fat cockroach scurrying across your kitchen at Mach speed. Where did that little fucker come from? And more importantly, WHERE DID IT GO?! One thing I’ve learned over time is that it’s not the big daddy roaches you need to worry about; it’s the menacing gang of small roaches that cause the real issue. If you’ve got more than one roach harassing you, you better call the exterminator because you’ve got a serious roach problem. I’ve found it most effective to trap the hissing fucker and either wait until it dies or move it to a different location far, far away from your home. Trap that bad boy in a glass, name him Ralph the roach, and wait ‘til Ralph flips on his back and THEN declare him dead and dispose of the body.

Centipede

The only thing more devastating than watching humans sewn together, defecating into each other’s mouths — à la Human Centipede — is watching a real life centipede crawl leisurely over your foot. OH, HELL NO. Why do they have so many legs?! Which side is the head and which side is the ass? Fuck it, why are you asking so many questions? Just kill the damn thing.

Honorable mention: Scorpion

God Bless the south. I don’t know how y’all do it. I commend you for your bravery and ability to not quit your job, sell your house, and move to Alaska anytime you find a scorpion chilling in your shoe. That just ain’t right.

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Rory Gilmore