The 240 Greatest Things About America On Her 240th Birthday

240 greatest things

240 years ago this Monday, our founding fathers declared our independence from Britain (otherwise known as #Amexit). As our beloved U.S.A celebrates her birthday, here are 240 reasons why we live in the greatest country in the world.

1.) Freedom.

2.) The people that fight for that freedom. Real heroes don’t wear capes, they wear the uniforms of the Armed Services.

3.) The Freedom Tower.

4.) Tom Brady.

5.) The 1st Amendment, so I can put Tom Brady at #4 and there’s nothing you can do about it.

6.) Football. Not futbol. Real football.

7.) And soccer, I guess, if you’re into that kind of thing.

8.) Kentucky Bourbon.

9.) Kentucky Fried Chicken.

10.) Foods Stolen from Other Nations and Americanized (See Sushi, Chinese, Italian, Stuffed Crust Pizza, Tex-Mex).

11.) Democracy.

12.) Even if it means we get Trump for president.

13.) Starbs.

14.) Or Dunks.

15.) Grilled cheese.

16.) National Parks.

17.) Neil Patrick Harris.

18.) Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

19.) Any Neil with three names.

20.) Twinkies.

21.) Air Force One (the plane).

22.) Air Force One (the movie).

23.) Air Force One (the shoe).

24.) “Air Force Ones.”

25.) And while we are at it, Nelly. That guy is a freaking national treasure.

26.) Tailgating at college football games.

27.) Or tailgating at anything, really.

28.) Trader Joe’s.

29.) Live blogs from Will deFries.

30.) Avocado toast.

31.) College Football.

32.) Facetune.

33.) Outlet malls.

34.) Britney Spears.

35.) The Super Bowl.

36.) The Super Bowl Halftime show.

37.) The Super Bowl Halftime show if it’s Beyonce and/or Bruno Mars.

38.) The Supreme Court.

39.) Coachella.

40.) Spongebob Squarepants.

41.) All-You-Can-Eat Buffets.

42.) Vegas.

43.) Philly cheesesteak.

44.) Fantasy Football.

45.) Fantasy Baseball.

46.) Final Fantasy.

47.) Blow-dry bars.

48.) Country Music. Even if you hate it, you’ve gotta admit its catchy.

49.) Acronym TV shows. OITNB, GOT, AHS…

50.) The National Anthem.

51.) NASCAR.

52.) Urgent care centers.

53.) Google.

54.) Laser Tag.

55.) Jeeps.

56.) Napa Valley.

57.) PBR.

58.) Exec Board.

59.) Bagels.

60.) Jordan Spieth.

61.) The Big Gulp at 7-11.

62.) Pixar.

63.) Two slices and a soda for $2.50 at 3 a.m. in NYC.

64.) The Bachelorette.

65.) A Dude’s Breakdown of The Bachelorette

66.) Donuts.

67.) Muhammad Ali. RIP.

68.) Prince. RIP.

69.) Disney World. None of that Euro-Disney shit.

70.) The Dougie.

71.) Uber. Sorry, Austin.

72.) James Earl Jones.

73.) Walking Tacos.

74.) Putting the American Flag on anything and wearing it.

75.) Amazon.

76.) Amazon Prime.

77.) Amazon Pantry.

78.) Never, ever having to leave your house to shop.

79.) Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? ‘Cause freedom rings.

80.) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

81.) Betty White.

82.) March Madness.

83.) Freedom of Religion.

84.) Chicago-style pizza

85.) New York-style pizza.

86.) Hamilton…even if you can’t get tickets.

87.) Yoga pants.

88.) The WWE.

89.) Red velvet cake.

90.) Disney Channel movies.

91.) SVU.

92.) Power ranking everything.

93.) Walmart. Don’t lie, we all shop there.

94.) People watching at Walmart.

95.) Inches, not millimeters.

96.) Ben & Jerry’s.

97.) Buffalo, the sauce.

98.) Buffalo, the animal.

99.) Now I feel bad…Buffalo, the city.

100.) Hotel rooms with two beds.

101.) Stand-up comedy.

102.) Silly straws.

103.) Comic-Con.

104.) Mocking people that go to Comic-Con.

105.) Dolly Parton.

106.) Dollywood.

107.) Americorps and Teach for America. Charity starts at home.

108.) Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

109.) Legal Weed (if you are in one of 25 states or DC)

110.) Legal Gay Marriage – no matter where you live. #LoveisLove

111.) The Williams Sisters.

112.) Maryland crab cakes.

113.) Silicon Valley, the place.

114.) Silicon Valley, the show.

115.) Dr. Seuss.

116.) Cheerleaders.

117.) Staying on your parents’ health insurance until you’re 25. #ThanksObama

118.) Chocolate chip cookies. (Invented in MA by Ruth Wakefeld in 1938, who sold the recipe to Nestle for a dollar).

119.) Porn.

120.) Kraft Mac & Cheese.

121.) Spray cheese.

122.) Really, anything involving cheese.

123.) Suitcases with four wheels.

124.) The Triple Crown.

125.) Powerball.

126.) Puppies.

127.) Puppy videos.

128.) The puppy cam.

129.) Southern accents.

130.) LeBron James.

131.) Drive-thru everything.

132.) Chipotle.

133.) Not getting a food-borne illness at Chipotle.

134.) Netflix.

135.) The Space Needle.

136.) Late Night with Seth Meyers.

137.) Tennessee BBQ.

138.) Tennessee whiskey.

139.) The Cheesecake Factory.

140.) Red solo cups.

141.) “Red Solo Cup.” See, I told you country could be catchy.

142.) Brunch.

143.) Seamless.

144.) Jell-o. (What ever happened to their puddin’ pops, btw?)

145.) Homecoming.

146.) Captain America.

147.) Wikipedia.

148.) The Kardashians.

149.) And the Jenners.

150.) And Scott Disick.

151.) And Blac Chyna.

152.) Being famous for no reason (see #s 148-151).

153.) Budweiser.

154.) Budweiser in America cans.

155.) GroupMe.

156.) Sportscenter.

157.) Tasty videos.

158.) The Dollar Store.

159.) Baseball.

160.) Bull Durham.

161.) GoFundMe, for worthy causes.

162.) GoFundMe, for fake boobs or Evan’s new shirt.

163.) “Work” (the song, not the place).

164.) Cam Newton’s smile.

165.) Sequels. I’m looking at you, Independence Day: Resurgence.

166.) Remakes. What’s up, Ghostbusters?

167.) All-day breakfast at McDonalds.

168.) Drake.

169.) Drake’s coffee cakes.

170.) Snapchat.

171.) The dog filter on Snapchat.

172.) Meatloaf, the food.

173.) Meatloaf, the singer.

174.) Meatloaf, the boss at PGP.

175.) Ray-bans.

176.) Taco Bell.

177.) YouTube.

178.) #squad.

179.) Reading Rainbow.

180.) California redwoods.

181.) Apple, the pie.

182.) Apple, the company.

183.) Yankee Candles.

184.) Bill Clinton as First Husband (fingers crossed).

185.) The American Dream.

186.) Sports Illustrated

187.) Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

188.) Sweet tea.

189.) Friday nights.

190.) Sunday scaries.

191.) Gifs.

192.) Dabbing.

193.) Justin Timberlake.

194.) Morbid obesity.

195.) The Pacific Coast Highway.

196.) MILFs.

197.) DILFs.

198.) Shrimp and grits.

199.) Not being Russia.

200.) Niagara Falls.

201.) Instagram.

202.) Michael Phelps, most decorated Olympian ever/the doucheiest guy alive.

203.) E-ZPass.

204.) Six Flags.

205.) Being Back-to-back World War champs.

206.) Tinder.

207.) Snapple.

208.) Movie popcorn.

209.) Temps. (Buy it on iTunes now!)

210.) The Home Depot.

211.) Route 66.

212.) The Great Lakes.

213.) Matt Damon.

214.) Greek systems.

215.) “YMCA,” the song.

216.) YMCA, the place.

217.) Podcasts.

218.) Anything Judd Apatow touches.

219.) New England Clam Chowder.

220.) Justin Bieber not being American.

221.) Nickelback not being American.

222.) Chick-Fil-A.

223.) The word “motherfucker.”

224.) The Middle.

225.) TSA pre-check.

226.) #OrlandoStrong.

227.) TGDAG.

228.) Friday Night Lights, the book.

229.) Friday Night Lights, the movie.

230.) Friday Night Lights, the show.

231.) UFC.

232.) Yeezys.

233.) Peanut butter jelly sandwich.

234.) Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

235.) Charles Barkley and Shaq during halftime of NBA on TNT.

236.) Charles Barkley and Shaq on Weekend Update on SNL.

237.) Bumble.

238.) Selfie Sticks.

239.) PGP.

240.) Holding these truths to be self-evident. Happy Birthday, America!

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at

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