The 238 Best Things About America, In Honor Of Her 238th Birthday

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Happy Birthday, America! As Willard Scott would say, you’re 238 Years Young! You don’t look a day over 237, you beautiful, buxom bastion of freedom, you. In fact, as Chris Rock said in the WAY too underrated film “Head of State,” “If America was a woman, she would be a big-titty woman, and EVERYBODY loves a big-titty woman.”

And so we do. We’re the little nation that could that turned into the big, unstoppable juggernaut that celebrates its independence from those tea-sipping motherfuckers by blowing Chinese-made shit up, racing fast cars, crashing monster trucks together and airing a “Price is Right” all-military special episode. You thought we were a “City Upon a Hill?” Fuck that, John Winthrop, we’re the Kingdom atop the highest peak of Mount Olympus. This is the greatest nation on the face of the earth, and I could think of about 13,000 reasons why. But I’ll narrow it down to 238. Why? Because it’s poetic, that’s why. America invented poetry. ….We didn’t? Whatever, then we made it much fucking better. Edgar Allan Poe? American. Take that, William Shake-and-Bake.

In no particular order…

1. 50 Stars
2. 13 Stripes
3. Red
4. White
5. Amber Waves of Grain
6. Purple Mountain Majesties
7. The Fruited Plain
8. Ronald “The Gipper” Reagan
9. Mayonnaise
10. Hot dogs
11. The cool, refreshing taste of Bud Light — “”
12. Baseball
13. Apple Pie
14. Mom
15. Blue
16. MILFs
17. Corvette
18. Bruce Springsteen
19. …and The E-Street Band
20. Freedom Fries
21. Freedom
22. Cool Whip
23. Truth
24. Justice
25. The American Way
26. Superman (the original illegal Alien)
27. Corn Dogs
28. State Fairs
29. State Fair Corn Dogs
30. Frying the shit out of everything
31. Fried Oreos
32. Fried Twinkies
33. Fried Rocky Mountain Oysters
34. The Bill of Rights
35. The Bill of Clinton
36. The Thirteen Colonies
37. #TBT
    
38. George Washington
39. George Washington’s bloodlust for motherfucking cherry trees
40. George Washington’s wooden teeth and syphillis
41. “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”
42. Ellis Island
43. The Gettysburg Address
44. Abraham Lincoln’s stovepipe hat
45. Archie Bunker’s Chair
46. Archie Bunker
47. Television (You’re welcome, rest of the world)
48. Puerto Rico
49. TIE: Peanuts and Cracker Jack
50. The Cotton Gin
51. The Gin Bucket
52. Fraternities
53. Sororities
54. Rush Boobs
55. Total Frat Move
56. Fake Tits
57. The Alamo
58. Rock and Roll
59. Elvis Presley
60. “Saturday Night Live” (From 1975 to about 2008)
61. Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry Soda
62. Chicken fried Steak
63. Steak fried Chicken
64. Jack Black
65. Tenacious D
66. Netflix
67. PornHub
68. YouPorn
69. Actually, just porn in General
70. Hugh Hefner
71. Bacon (the breakfast meat, not the man)
72. Bacon (the man, not the breakfast meat)
73. David Letterman
74. Johnny Carson
75. Team America: World Police
76. John Madden
77. The Declaration of Independence
78. Las Vegas
79. Jack Daniels
80. Johnny Walker
81. Jack Bauer
82. Long Island Iced Tea
83. Hazing
84. McDonald’s
85. American Apparel
86. Beyoncé
87. Valium
88. Colonoscopies
89. Brian Williams
90. Jimmy Fallon
91. The KFC Double Down
92. Secret Menus at Fast Food Restaurants
93. Quesaritos
94. Marilyn Monroe
95. Marilyn Manson
96. JFK
97. RFK
98. The RFK/Triboro Bridge
99. The Golden Gate Bridge
100. Jeff Bridges
101. Howard Stern
102. Yelling “Baba Booey” behind a live news camera
103. Charlie Sheen
104. Martin Sheen
105. Emilio Estevez
106. The Mighty Ducks
107. D2: The Mighty Ducks
108. Beatin’ your meat
109. Grilling
110. Charcoal
111. Propane and Propane Accessories
112. WE’RE #1! WE’RE #1!
113. Foam Fingers
114. Doing “The Wave”
115. Brooklyn
116. Kansas (the band)
117. Missouri (the state)
118. Aaron Sorkin and everything that’s ever come out of his mouth
119. George Washington Carver
120. Comic Books
121. Going balls-to-the-wall
122. Pro Wrestling
123. Stan “The Man” Lee
124. Rambo
125. Kenny Powers
126. Pizza
127. Bagels
128. Lox
129. Captain America AKA Steve Rogers
130. Mashing any video up to “America, Fuck Yeah”
131. “Star Trek”
132. “Star Wars”
133. “Spaceballs
134. TIE: Peanuts (the food) / Peanuts (the comic strip)
135. FOOOOOOOOOTBAWLLLLLLLLLL
136. Every NFL team except the Redskins (Until they change their name, naturally)
137. Michael Jordan
138. “Space Jam”
139. The NFL (sometimes)
140. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver
141. Walt Disney World
142. Walt Disney himself
143. Patriotism
144. Fireworks
145. Sex
146. The Internet
147. John Adams
148. Sam Adams
149. Amy Adams
150. “The Addams Family”
151. Catching all 150 Pokémon
152. “Oh fuck, I forgot to catch Mew”
153. DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BATMAN.
154. “The Simpsons”
155. “Top Gun”
156. Maverick
157. Goose
158. Beach Volleyball
159. Basketball
160. Jerry Seinfeld
161. John Belushi, may he rest in peace
162. “Animal House”
163. Starbucks
164. Rodeos
165. Doggy Style (the sex position)
166. Doggystyle (the Snoop Dogg album)
167. The First Amendment
168. Christmas
169. Capitalism
170. George H.W. Bush
171. George W. Bush
172. Voting
173. The night we got Bin Laden
174. Democracy
175. Day Drinking
176. Kegs
177. American Beers and Microbrews
178. Ford F-150
179. Chevy Tahoe
180. The Blue Angels
181. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater II
182. Bourbon
183. The American Flag/Old Glory
184. Playing shit on a bugle
185. Target
186. “The Star Spangled Banner”
187. Bald Motherfucking Eagles
188. Bald everything (Just ask your girlfriend/my back)
189. HBO
190. Thongs
191. Tinder
192. “The Magic School Bus”
193. Premarital Sex
194. Postmarital Sex
195. Hammocks
196. Giving Zero Fucks
197. Food Trucks
198. World War II
199. Total Sorority Move
200. Post Grad Problems
201. The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
202. Being a Rowdy Gentleman
203. Jay-Z
204. Eminem
205. TV Marathons (“I Love Lucy,” “Twilight Zone,” “Honeymooners,” etc.)
206. Turning Down For What
207. Croutons
208. Futons
209. The iPhone, iPod, and pretty much anything that starts with a lower-case “i”
210. The Sybian
211. Applebee’s
212. Chipotle
213. The (212) Area Code (aka New York City)
214. California (knows how to party)
215. Dogs. Also, puppies.
216. Rudy Giuliani
217. Texas (Don’t Mess With It)
218. “Born to Run”
219. The CBS Evening News with Dan Rather
220. Walter Cronkite
221. Woodward and Bernstein
222. “The Big Game” (Copyright restrictions and what-not)
223. Copyright Law
224. “I Like Big Butts” by Sir Mix-A-Lot
225. The United States Constitution
226. A Government Of The People, By The People, For The People
227. The White House
228. Lee Greenwood
229. Religious Freedom
230. Freedom of the Press
231. Saying “fuck you” to The British, King George III, et al. Pretty much all of the Europeans.
232. Oprah Winfrey
233. “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver”
234. “Battle Hymn of the Republic”
235. “The Tonight Show”
236. T-Shirt Cannons
237. Parades
238. Abraham Lincoln
239. The United States Armed Forces and their many members past and present, who dedicate and risk their lives to protecting the freedoms that we so enjoy; everything on the list above would not be possible without those brave men and women who are prepared to lay down their lives, day in and day out, to keep us safe, and to those that made the ultimate sacrifice for God and Country.

God Bless America.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful.

21

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