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There are two major events I look forward to every year: The Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament’s All-Hair Team announcement, and Inside Lacrosse’s All-Name Team which showcases the most preposterously preppy names you could imagine. Year after year, the lists reads like a laundry list of CEOs sons who will travel abroad for two years after graduating from college before finally settling down and getting a corner office in Manhattan.
This year was no different, courtesy of Inside Lacrosse. While we have some repeats from year’s gone by (we see you, Shackleford Stanwick and Griffin Woodfinlevine), we’ve also got some A1 additions to this year’s stacked crew. Let’s explore.
FIRST TEAM
A – Shackleford Stanwick, Jr., Johns Hopkins
A – Keyveat Postell, Fr. Penn
A – Bear Altemus, Sr., Princeton
M – IV Stucker, Jr., Roanoke
M – Brickman House, Sr., Utica
M – Griffin Woodfinlevine, Sr., Montclair State
D – Sky Dupree, Fr., North Greenville
D – Coy Broderick, So., Hanover
D – Braylen Sampson, Jr., Byrant
G – Fitzhugh Lee, So., Air Force
While I’m not sure of eligibility rules in NCAA lacrosse, I’m slightly confused with Sky Dupree remaining a freshman after making a first team appearance last year, but he probably just redshirted.
Another favorite of mine is Fitzhugh Lee from Air Force. You can make pretty much any name into a country club name by simply putting “Fitz” in front of it. Fitzdavid Ruff? You’d mooch bottle service off him during a Memorial Day Weekend boys trip in Vegas.
SECOND TEAM
A – Tate Beason, Sr., Florida Tech
A – Blaine Stottlar, Sr., Lees-McRae
A – Robbie Betchley III, Sr., Furman
M – Brewster Warble, Fr., Brown
M – Broderick Vitalie, So., Holy Cross
M – Holden Rosen Grupp, Jr., Tufts
D – Alistair Berven, Sr., Princeton
D – Rich Mix, Jr., Benedictine
D – Stone Sims, Jr., Albany
You’d think that Furman’s Robbie Betchley would have never made the team without having triple sticks following his name, but things seem to fall into place for you when your parents hit you with those Roman numerals.
How Princeton’s Alistair Berven didn’t make the first team is beyond me, though. You have to think he’s looking at Coy Broderick and wondering how he got the nod ahead of him.
THIRD TEAM
A – Breanainn McNeally, Sr., RPI
A – Jameson Buttafuoco, Fr., Bryant
A – Declan Swartwood, Fr., St. John’s
M – Cougar Kirby, Fr. Albany
M – Greyson Torain, So., Navy
M – Joseph Joseph, Jr., York
D – Dallas Creamer, Jr., Stevens
D – Conn Curry, Jr., Roanoke
D – Winston Wenham, Jr., Ithaca
G – Viper Scheele, Fr., Bryant
The third team almost feels fake. Viper Scheele sounds like a villain in a hockey movie while Dallas Creamer sounds like a renegade who slings his yogurt all over Uptown every weekend. Jameson Buttafuoco and Cougar Kirby give off “terrible mafia movie” vibes, but I can’t even knock them for it.
A new year, and a new 2017 Lacrosse All-Name Team in the books. .
[via Inside Lacrosse]
Image via YouTube
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I cant wait to explain to one of these kids why I was late to work.
The very rich and the urban poor can both get away with, sorta, terribly weird names for their kids.
Brick House is an absolutely diabolical thing to name your son
You know he lets it all hang out.
His midfield passing has been described as “mighty, mighty”.
Bid.
Job.*
Hired*
Joseph Joseph, the guys got two first names!
No mention of the guy named “Bear?”
And how he’s a “Sr.” already?
That’s his class year, not part of his name
That’s his year in school, not a symbol that he has a kid with the same name.
I are dum.
Wait…I’m not THAT dumb, check out Keyveat right above Bear. Keyveat has no comma between “Fr.” and “Penn”. That’s why I thought Bear’s name included the “Sr.” since he has a comma.
That means he’s a senior in school, not that he has a kid.
Oh boy.
Really want to name my future son Viper now
These are all the kids you absolutely hated but in reality were super jealous of.
If you click the IL link they have the top women’s names, too. Worth a look
Pictures included?
You just got your team suspended for the year for saying that you chauvinistic pig.
I feel like their parents just smashed a keyboard and said “good enough”
Can confirm. Lots of “mother’s maiden name as a first name” types, I’m guessing.
It was subpar, until I came across the second team goalie, Oralee Hespenheide, got a nice chuckle with that one
I need all of these read to me by an elderly man with a heavy British accent