The 2017 Kentucky Derby All Mane Team

The 2017 Kentucky Derby All Mane Team

It’s that time of year, folks. Derby o’ clock. Every horse, sport, or betting site on the internet has been abuzz with information about the race this weekend, but are they covering all aspects of these horses? Sure, you can find out their pedigree, their previous races, and who their jockeys are, but none of that matters. Much like with people, winners are proven by one thing, and one thing only.

Their hair.

Any horse can run, but not any horse can grow a manicured mane like. I give you the 2017 Kentucky Derby All Mane Team.

Lookin At Lee

He might be running as a 20-1 underdog, but that’s only because he’s being weighed down by that glorious drapery. That swoop is pristine, and he knows it. Look at that smug bastard. He’s looking at you, just daring you to try and find a split end in that mane. You can’t, and he knows it.


I haven’t seen a wave this perfect since I almost drowned off the coast of Oahu. I’m not saying his trainer puts product in his mane before races, but I also know hair doesn’t just look like that without a high-priced pomade. You could look up his pedigree all you want, but I know for a fact there’s a hint of alpaca in his family tree. Luscious.

Battle Of Midway

You don’t get fresh lettuce like without cultivating it in some mud. Sure, the 30-1 odds say old BAM here gets some dirt kicked up at him at the back of the pack, but he sure cleans up nice. Winners get forgotten, but that hair will never fade.

Irish War Cry

You think that jockey up there is focusing on the race? Guess again. He’s got his nose buried in that waterfall of a mane, and he’s just swimming around in it. Jockeys line up around the block for a chance to be Irish War Cry’s rider and get a face full of that cheddar. He refuses to run when it’s raining, because everyone knows you don’t get a neck of hair like that by washing it.


When you’ve got it, flaunt it. That’s Gormley’s motto, and boy has he got it. Look at him. Posing for the camera like that. Looking it right in the eye. Stuntin’, as the kids are calling it nowadays. This horse is here to do two things, eat oats and win races. And he’s all out of oats. There’s only one way to get a neck curtain like that, and that’s to let it flow through the breeze as you take home the gold. This is what a winner looks like.

Image via Shutterstock

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice:

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