The 2014 Summer Intern Mock Draft

Blake Higgins


School: Ole Miss
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Internship: Incorporated Partners & Co., Inc.
Division: Sales
Major: Business Administration
GPA: 2.3
Student Loan Debt: -$46,051
Golf Handicap: 27
Work Ethic: 3/10

– Kid’s funny. I’ll give him that. He claims he’s the originator of “Fuck her right in the pussy.”
– Has hookups for Xanax, Ambien and black market Cialis.
– Has a lot of app ideas. One might stick. Slip an incubator clause into his contract.

– Jesus Christ, I don’t know if I could praise the kid any longer. He’s been a nightmare all summer.
– Claimed to be proficient at Microsoft Office, but it took him two weeks to learn Excel.
– Posts political memes on Facebook.
– Yeah, he has a lot of app ideas, but they all fucking suck. Wanted to create an app that was, and I quote, “Tinder for sluts.” Didn’t understand why everyone laughed at him.
– Borrowed seven balls the last time he played golf.

Projected: 7th round/undrafted

Recruiter says: “Fuck this kid. Had to reduce his hours from 40 hours a week to 25 hours a week because some of the higher ups couldn’t stand him. Showed up late to work 50% of the time. Some people weren’t even sure the kid went to college, until HR did a background check. Stay away. Will probably end up as a club promoter somewhere in Florida after his massive student loan goes into default.”

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TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .

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