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Gary “Big Guy” Mullens
Company: Allstate
Relationship: Fraternity brother
Job: Agent
Position: Catcher
Relationship status: Perpetually single
Age: 27
Height: 6 foot 3
Weight: 240 pounds
Pros:
• He’s a raging alcoholic. He’ll bring the fun.
• Still strong as a bull, and will hit a few out of the park.
• Grades out as a 70 shit-talker behind the plate on the 20 to 80 scale.
Cons:
• He’s completely out of shape and will take himself out of the game several times.
• Can’t run, has bad knees, and if it isn’t a homer, it’s a single.
• He goes silent whenever hot girls come to bat. Too inconsistent.
• He can go from playful drunk to beligerent blackout in one drink.
Projected: Conditional pick
Outlook: Like Murph, Mullens will need a talking to. Instead of it being about his commitment to the team, it will need to be about his commitment to drinking responsibly and not blacking out before the end of the fourth inning. Let him know you’re serious.
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
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brianmcgannon
Amazing read as always, McGannon. I don’t know anything about the lady weights, but let me just say it sounds like you’re going to have the most fit team in your beer league. Your catcher is out of shape, but only weighs 240 pounds?
As one of the more outta shape guys on my baseball team this summer, one guy is only 6’1″ and pushing 270. Does this make him obese? ….Asking for a friend.
Murph can play on my team anytime.
You know how those Pfizer reps get down.
Besides, you know the friend that sucks will always be hot.
Dibs on the guy in the Cubs hat and jorts
Man, 31 is considered old as fuck, now? Damn.
I love you. I mean that.
The mock drafts are probably the funniest articles on here or TFM, more of these please.
Masterful work, McGannon. Well played sir.
I’m sorry, there’s no way a girl is playing shortstop for my team. Even if she did play in college, it’s just not right.
Grow up, Peter Pan. Talent Talks, Bullshit Walks. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. (I have run out of cliches, but you’re an asshole and I don’t like you.)
Noted. Appreciate the life advice.