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I receive roughly 20 Snapchats a day, and usually, all 20 of those Snapchats are just unnecessary. There is a constant influx of unwarranted selfies and crotch shots (for the shoes, you pervs) that flood my phone very regularly–and for some odd reason, I can’t bring myself to delete my account.
Some people use the app as yet another medium for indiscriminate flirtation while others unleash their inner Picassos, because there is actually an art to crafting the perfect Snapchat, which helps clog cyberspace daily, so stop it. Kidding. Keep calm and snap on.
1. The “Mealtime” Snap: People love to photograph their food. It’s like they’re proud of what’s about to go inside of them. From chicks sucking down Starbucks to dudes crushing protein shakes, food porn will never get old.
2. The “I Woke Up Like This” Snap: Did you really, though? Your face is nowhere nearly puffy enough and your eyes don’t look like Stephen Dorff’s at the end of “Blade.” Your hair is also still wet.
3. The “Pointless Selfie” Snap: This one is usually taken by females who feel that they look their finest in that very moment…or men on the toilet.
4. The “Struggling At My Desk” Snap: Life is hard, man, and friends often pose as suitable outlets to bitch to because they are also experiencing the harsh and abrupt wrath of adulthood. This snap can take the form of any complaint, such as the wretched hangover from hell or just plain, old boredom.
5. The “My Life Is Better Than Yours” Snap: Since when did it become socially acceptable to brag about your life on social media? Whether it’s a new car or you’re on vacation, please just save it for Instagram or be humble–either one, really.
6. The “Punny” Snap: Your feet are up, and your sweatpants are on. “Just kickin’ it lol.” I’d love to kick it with you, too. Kick you in the face. Burn.
7. The “Pet” Snap: Maybe this snap isn’t entirely unjustified, because almost everyone loves animals.
8. The “How Did You Have Time For That?” Snap: There should be a museum for these. How did you perfectly time that guy puking in the street? Where did that bird shit come from? WHY ARE YOU SNAPCHATTING WHILE DRIVING?
9. The “Gym” Snap: I never quite understand how people can play on their phones while they’re working out–or how they can be okay with sharing their sweaty faces mid-workout, let alone look at them.
10. The “My Friends Are Fucking Funny” Snap: Within the coarse field of mundane selfies are the rare gems that are seven-crying-with-laughter-emojis-hilarious. These are the ones that get us through those awful days and remind us why that stupid ghost with his tongue sticking out exists.