Aside from your clothing, grooming, and home, the only other area in which you are prematurely judged is in what you drive. As much as the Lyft CEO says he’s going to kill car ownership with self-driving cars (HA), people generally drive cars they enjoy to drive, enjoy the convenience of having a vehicle, and occasionally buy cars as some sort of status symbol. Sometimes the status symbol concept creates a problem, and people expose themselves as douchebags. Such as the people who drive the following ten vehicles as their everyday mode of transportation.
The Prius truly takes the cake as the douchiest vehicle. South Park wasn’t exaggerating in their smug episode. It’s a mass market environmentally friendly car for people who use the money they save on gas to shop at Whole Foods and eat locally sourced produce. These are the same people who brag about having a (semi) electric vehicle before Tesla made electric vehicles cool and preach about how we should do more to help the environment. There are no bigger douches than environmentalists.
The bicycle hasn’t been a legitimate form of transportation for adults since The Great Depression. It’s a piece of exercise equipment for people who vacation at the Gulf of Mexico or live in Southern California. These people hog the road like they have three feet of steel around them while, ironically, everyone driving around them wants to hit them.
3. Smart Car
The Smart Car was the original environmentally friendly hippie car for smug people who wanted to get good gas mileage to stop global warming or cooling or whatever it is these days. These people are about as insufferable as Prius and other hybrid drivers but are fewer in number, mostly because the Smart Car isn’t so smart if you get in a car accident.
4. Black BMW 3-Series Sedan
The BMW 3-Series is the classic upper-middle-class sports car. It has a modest price tag with the BMW brand name and a solid body design. However, the black BMW 3-Series sedan, specifically, is the car of choice for those middle-aged $80 to $100 grand per year corporate middle managers who think they’re hot shit because… well, no one knows exactly why. You know who I mean. The guy with spiked salt-and-pepper hair with Oakley sunglasses who is probably cheating on his wife with a homely customer service rep at work. And they always drive like a 16-year-old whose dad bought them a brand new Corvette.
5. Range Rover
The Range Rover is similar in douchiness to the black BMW 3-Series sedan as it is the way people with a little money try to flaunt it as if they have a lot of money. It’s strictly for people who care more about the brand name than quality because Range Rovers are British pieces of crap. There are far better 4×4 options out there. But the Range Rover didn’t make the list because it’s a pricy brand name alternative to regular SUVs. It made the list because the same douche bags who drive the black BMW 3-Series sedan buy Range Rovers for either themselves as a family car or for their shitty spoiled kids.
6. Short Bed Truck (Escalade EXT, Avalanche, Ford Explorer Sport Trac)
There is no point to the short bed truck. These are basically SUVs for people who think the short bed sticking out makes it look outdoorsy or edgy. Even midsize pickup trucks look better than these truck versions of Dr. Moreau’s failed animal experiments. Some things just don’t go together. Either get yourself a 4Runner or a Silverado.
7. Super Duty With Unnecessarily High Lift
I’m not singling out Ford here, but using any oversized pickup truck with a ridiculously high lift as your primary mode of transportation is douchey as hell. Nothing looks like you are overcompensating for something like owning a street legal monster truck that requires a stepladder to get into. This is especially relevant if you live in the city or the suburbs. You just don’t need something that big. It rarely looks good. Some trucks look awesome with just the right lift, about 4”, like the F250s from the Bush years, but there is no reason to have a Ram 3500 dually with a 12” lift unless you live in the Great Plains or desert and have nothing better to do than offroad all day. But if you live in the city, a nice looking full-size pickup should serve you just fine for everyday use.
This is a car for anyone who think excessive chrome doesn’t look overcompensatory and ridiculous. It’s already a stretch for them to drive them, and it only goes downhill for other drivers who want to look like they’re hot shit.
9. Any Mid-Level Sportscar Modified To Rev Loud
There is no reason for you to modify a Ford Mustang, Dodge Challenger, Camaro ZL1, or any lower tier sports cars than those to rev like a Ferrari. The sound of a V8 is beautiful, but the car kits that amplify the sound of your car to sound like a stock car redlining are obnoxious and annoying. This isn’t Fast and Furious and you’re driving a $50,000 sports car. There’s no shame in that. But revving loud for attention just makes you a douche bag. Unless you’re driving something like an original Corvette from the 1960s or any car that revs loud by design like the pterodactyl-like Lamborghini Diablo GT, tone it down a little, no one is impressed by your mid-level sports car revving at 100 decibels. They’re mostly annoyed.
10. Jeep Wrangler
The Jeep Wrangler is for high school frat stars and college undergrads with shaggy hair, backwards baseball caps, and wayfarers. These are cool vehicles when you’re under 22, but once you have a real job it’s time to upgrade to, well, an adult vehicle. There’s no shame in trying to relive your youth until you’re cruising down the highway in wintertime with a soft top Jeep Wrangler and no 18-year-old girlfriend in the front seat. If you love your Wrangler that much, keep it in storage until your midlife crisis. .